Act one, scene eleven

ROOF OF THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

The wind whistles from all angles and it’s a fierce wind at that.

SCORPIUS: Okay, now we’re on the roof of a train, it’s fast, it’s scary, this has been great, I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about me, something about you, but —

ALBUS: As I calculate it we should be approaching the viaduct soon and then it’ll be a short hike to St. Oswald’s Home for Old Witches and Wizards...

SCORPIUS: The what? The where? Look, I am as excited as you are to be a rebel for the first time in my life — yay — train roof — fun — but now — oh.

SCORPIUS sees something he doesn’t want to see.

ALBUS: The water will be an extremely useful backup if our Cushioning Charm doesn’t work.

SCORPIUS: Albus. The Trolley Witch.

ALBUS: You want a snack for the journey?

SCORPIUS: No. Albus. The Trolley Witch is coming towards us.

ALBUS: No, she can’t be, we’re on top of the train...

SCORPIUS points ALBUS in the right direction, and now he can see the TROLLEY WITCH, who approaches nonchalantly, pushing her trolley.

TROLLEY WITCH: Anything from the trolley, dears? Pumpkin Pasty? Chocolate Frog? Cauldron Cake?

ALBUS: Oh.

TROLLEY WITCH: People don’t know much about me. They buy my Cauldron Cakes — but they never really notice me. I don’t remember the last time someone asked my name.

ALBUS: What is your name?

TROLLEY WITCH: I’ve forgotten. All I can tell you is that when the Hogwarts Express first came to be — Ottaline Gambol herself offered me this job...

SCORPIUS: That’s — one hundred and ninety years. You’ve been doing this job for one hundred and ninety years?

TROLLEY WITCH: These hands have made over six million Pumpkin Pasties. I’ve got quite good at them. But what people haven’t noticed about my Pumpkin Pasties is how easily they transform into something else...

She picks up a Pumpkin Pasty. She throws it like a grenade. It explodes.

And you won’t believe what I can do with my Chocolate Frogs. Never — never — have I let anyone off this train before they reached their destination. Some have tried — Sirius Black and his cronies, Fred and George Weasley. ALL HAVE FAILED. BECAUSE THIS TRAIN — IT DOESN’T LIKE PEOPLE GETTING OFF IT...

The TROLLEY WITCH’s hands transfigure into very sharp spikes. She smiles.

So please retake your seats for the remainder of the journey.

ALBUS: You were right, Scorpius. This train is magical.

SCORPIUS: At this precise moment in time, I take no pleasure in being right.

ALBUS: But I was also right — about the viaduct — that’s water down there, time to try the Cushioning Charm.

SCORPIUS: Albus, this is a bad idea.

ALBUS: Is it? (He has a moment’s hesitation, then realizes the time for hesitation has passed.) Too late now. Three. Two. One. Molliare!

He incants as he jumps.

SCORPIUS: Albus... Albus...

He looks down desperately after his friend. He looks at the approaching TROLLEY WITCH. Her hair wild. Her spikes particularly spiky.

Well, as fun as you clearly look, I have to go after my friend.

He pinches his nose, he jumps after ALBUS, incanting as he goes.

Molliare!