My financial career.

(after St. Leacock).

When I go into a bank I Get irritated. The clerks irritate me; the wickets irritate me; the sight of the money irritates me; everything irritates me.

The moment I cross the threshold of a bank & attempt to do business there, I become an irresponsible idiot.

I knew this beforehand, but my salary had been raised to fifty dollars a month & I left that the bank was the only place for it.

So I walked in & looked timidly round at the clerks. I had an idea that a person about to open an account must consult the manager.

I went up to a wicket marked “Accountant”. The accountant was a tall, cool devil (1). The very sight of him irritated me.

“Can I see the manager? ” I said, & added solemnly, “alone”.

I don’t know why I said “alone”.

“Certainly”, said the accountant, & fetched him.

The manager was a grave calm man. I held my fifty -six dollars clutched in a crumpled ball in my pocket.

“Are you the manager? ” I said. God knows I didn’t doubt it.

“Yes, ” he said.

“Can I see you, ” I asked, “alone? ” I didn’t want to say “alone” again, but without it the thing seemed self-evident.

The manager looked at me in some alarm. He felt that I had an awful secret to reveal.

“Come in here, ” he said, & led the way to a private room. He turned the key in the lock.

“We are safe from interruption here, ” he said; “sit down.”

We both sat down & looked at each other. I found no voice to speak (2).

“You are one of Pinkerton’s men, I presume”, he said.

He had gathered from my mysterious manner that I was a detective. I knew what he was thinking, & it made me worse (3).

“No, not from Pinkerton’s, “ I said, seeming to suggest that I came from a rival agency.

“To tell the truth”, I went on, “I am not a detective at all. I have come to open an account, I intend to keep all my money in this bank.”

The manager looked relieved but still serious; he concluded now that I was a son of Baron Rothschild or a young Gould.

“A large account, I suppose, he said.

“Fairy large, ” I whispered. “I propose to deposit fifty-six dollars now & fifty dollars a month regularly.”

The manager got up & opened the door. He called to the accountant.

“Mr. Montgomery, “ he said unkindly loud, “this gentleman is opening an account, he will deposit fifty-six dollars. Good morning.”

I rose.

A big iron door stood open at the side of the room.

“Good morning”, I said, & stepped into the safe.

“Come out”, said the manager coldly, & showed me the other way. I went up to the accountant’s wicket & poked the ball of money at him with a quick convulsive movement. My face was very pale.

“Here, ” (4) I said, “deposit it.” The tone of the words seemed to mean,

“Let us do this painful thing while the fit is on us” (5).

He took the money & gave it to another clerk. He made me write the sum on a slip & sigh my name in a book, I no longer knew what I was doing. The bank swam before my eyes.

“Is it deposited? ” I asked in a hollow, trembling voice.

“It is “, said the accountant.

“Then I want to draw a cheque.”

My idea was to draw out six dollars of it for present use. Someone gave me a cheque-book through a wicket & someone else began telling me how to write it out.(6) The people in the bank had the impression that I was an invalid millionaire. I wrote something on the cheque & thrust it in at the clerk. He looked at it.

“What! (7). Are you drawing it all out again? ” he asked in surprise.

Then I realised that I had written fifty-six instead of six. I was too embarrassed. I had a feeling that it was impossible to explain the thing. All the clerks had stopped writing to look at me.

“Yes, the whole thing.”

“You withdraw your money from the bank? ”

“Every cent of it”.

“Are you not going to deposit any more? ” said the clerk, astonished.

“Never”.

An idiot hope struck me that they might think something had insulted me while I was writing the cheque & that I had changed my mind. I made a poor attempt to look like a man with an awfully quick temper. The clerk prepared to pay the money.

“How will you have it? ” he said.

“What? ”

“How will you have it? ’

“Oh” - I caught his meaning & answered without even trying to think - “in fifties.”

He gave me a fifty-dollar bill.

“And the six? ” he asked dryly.

“In sixes.” I said.

He gave it me & I rushed out. As the big door swung behind me I caught the echo of a roar of laughter that went up to the ceiling of the bank. Since then I bank no more. I keep my money in cash in my trousers pocket & savings in silver dollars in a sock.

Proper names:

Leacock [‘ li: kok], Pinkerton [‘pinketen], Baron Rothschild [‘baren ‘rotшilt], Gould [‘gu: ld], Montgomery [ment’gameri].

Notes on the text:

1. The accountant was a tall, cool devil. - банковский служащий был высокий, невозмутимый человек.

2. I found no voice to speak - Я растерялся и не мог вымолвить ни слова.

3. it made me worse - зд. Я еще больше растерялся.

4. Here... - Вот...

5. While the fit is on us - пока мы в настроении.

6. how to write it out - как выписывать (чек)

7. What! - Как! Что!

Phrases to remember:

to do business - заниматься делом.

to look round - оглядеться.

to open an account- открыть счет в банке.

to reveal a secret -открыть тайну (секрет).

to lead the way to - вести кого-либо куда -либо.

we are safe from interruption here - нам здесь не помешают.

to tell the truth - по правде говоря.

to draw a cheque - выписать чек (взять деньги из банка).

for present use - на текущие расходы.

they had the impression that...- у них создалось впечатление, что...

in surprise - с удивлением, удивленно.

I had a feeling that... - Мне показалось, что...

to make a poor attempt to do smth - тщетно пытаться сделать что - то.

to catch the (someone’s) meaning (of) - уловить смысл.

a roar of laughter - взрыв хохота.

Prepositional & Adverbial Phrases.

To look round, to be about to do smth., to go up to, in alarm, to be safe from, to call to someone, to step into, to draw out (money), for present use, in surprise, to keep money in cash.