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A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said, " That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
" The bus driver insulted me, " she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, " Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
" You're right, " she said. " I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
" That's a good idea, " the man said. " Here, let me hold your monkey."

What's wrong?

You are right.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн; to urinate [`ju∂ rı neı t]).

" Everyone knows (все знают), " the mother lectured him (стала его поучать, отчитывать), " that from time to time (что время от времени), young children urinate in a pool."

" Oh really? (неужели)" said the lifeguard, " from the diving board!?!? (с трамплина: " с ныряльной доски"; to dive - прыгать в воду, нырять)"

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
" Everyone knows, " the mother lectured him, " that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
" Oh really? " said the lifeguard, " from the diving board!?!? "

Oh really?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя), so Homer (и Гомер) - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал) - went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост).

" Okay, " the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул), " Homer, what is 1 and 1? (сколько будет 1 и 1)"

" 11, " he replied (он ответил).

The sheriff thought to himself (подумал про себя), " That's not what I meant, but he's right (это не то, что я имел в виду, но он прав /to mean-meant-meant/)."

" What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? (какие два дня недели начинаются с буквы " Т" /имеются в виду Tuesday - вторник и Thursday - четверг/)"

" Today and tomorrow (сегодня и завтра)."

He was again surprised (он был опять удивлен) that Homer supplied a correct answer (дал: «предоставил» правильный ответ) that he had never thought of himself (до которого он сам никогда не додумывался).

" Now Homer, listen carefully (слушай внимательно): Who killed (кто убил) Abraham Lincoln? "

Homer looked a little surprised himself (посмотрел несколько удивленно " сам" = в свою очередь), then thought really hard (затем действительно серьезно подумал) for a minute (с минуту) and finally admitted (и, наконец, признался), " I don't know (я не знаю)."

" Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? (ну, почему бы тебе не пойти домой и не поработать над этим пока что, какое-то время)"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall (вышел в холл бюро) where his pals (где его приятели) were waiting to hear the results of the interview (ждали, " чтобы услышать" результаты собеседования). Homer was exultant (ликующий; exultant [ı g`zLlt(∂)nt]).

" It went great! (прошло замечательно) First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! (в первый день работы я уже работаю над делом об убийстве)"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.
" Okay, " the sheriff drawled, " Homer, what is 1 and 1? "
" 11, " he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, " That's not what I meant, but he's right."
" What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? "
" Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
" Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln? "
Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, " I don't know."
" Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? "
So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was exultant.
" It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! "

That's not what I meant.

It went great!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife (заключенный в тюрьме получил письмо от своей жены):

" I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden (я решила посадить салат в огороде; lettuce [`letı s]). When is the best time to plant them? (когда лучшее время сажать его)"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards (зная, что тюремные охранники) read all the mail (читают всю почту), replied in a letter (ответил в письме):

" Dear Wife (милая жена), whatever you do (что бы ты ни делала), DO NOT touch the back garden! (не трогай огород) That is where I hid all the gold (там я спрятал все золото /to hide-hid-hidden/)."

A week or so later (неделю или около того спустя), he received another (другое) letter from his wife:

" You wouldn't believe what happened (ты не поверишь, что случилось). Some men came with shovels (несколько мужчин пришли с лопатами) to the house (к дому), and dug up the whole back garden (и перекопали весь огород /to dig-dug-dug/)."

The prisoner wrote (написал /to write-wrote-written/) another letter:

" Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! (сейчас - лучшее время сажать салат)"

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
" I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them? "
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
" Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
" You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
" Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! "

You wouldn't believe what happened!

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси), and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит).

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… (вежливый, обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой).

" Oy Morris, " said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет) So how could you get lost? (как ты мог потеряться)"

Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке), so that the policeman couldn't hear (так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать), Morris whispered (прошептал), " I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home (я был слишком усталым, чтобы идти домой /пешком/)."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

" Oy Morris, " said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost? "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

I was just too tired to walk.

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day (раввин и священник едут однажды /на автомобилях/) and, by a freak accident (" по иронии судьбы", по причудливой случайности), have a head-on collision with tremendous force (" имеют" лобовое столкновение со страшной силой; tremendous - жуткий, потрясающий). Both cars are totally demolished (обе машины совершенно разбиты; to demolish - разрушать), but amazingly (но удивительно), neither of the clerics has a scratch on him (ни у кого из священнослужителей нет даже царапины).

After they crawl out of their cars (после того, как они выползают из своих машин), the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says (раввин видит воротничок священника и говорит), " So you're a priest (так вы священник). I'm a rabbi (я раввин).

Just look at our cars (посмотрите на наши машины).

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt (/от них/ ничего не осталось, а мы здесь, невредимы; to hurt - причинить боль, ранить).

This must be a sign from God! (это должен быть = это, должно быть, знак Божий)"

Pointing to the sky, he continues (показывая на небо, он продолжает), " God must have meant that we should meet (Бог, должно быть, подразумевал, что мы встретимся) and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth (и разделим = проведем " наши жизни" в мире и дружбе до конца наших дней на Земле)."

The priest replies, " I agree with you completely (я согласен с вами полностью).

This must surely (конечно) be a sign from God! "

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims (смотрит на свою машину и восклицает), " And look at this! (а посмотрите на это)

Here's another miracle! (вот другое = еще одно чудо)

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break (моя машина совершенно разбита, но эта бутылка вина не разбилась).

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune (конечно, Господь хочет, чтобы мы выпили это вино и отметили нашу благую судьбу; to celebrate - праздновать)."

The priest nods in agreement (кивает в знак согласия).

The rabbi hands (дает, передает) the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle (пьет полбутылки) and hands the bottle back (обратно) to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes (берет) the bottle and immediately puts the cap on (тут же надевает крышку), then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled (сбитый с толку), asks (спрашивает), " Aren't you having any, rabbi? (а разве вы не будете немного, рабби)"

The rabbi replies, " Nah... I think I'll wait for the police (нет, я думаю, я подожду полицию)."

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, " So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God! "
Pointing to the sky, he continues, " God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, " I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God! "
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, " And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, " Aren't you having any, rabbi? "
The rabbi replies, " Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

I agree with you completely.

Aren't you having any?

Juggler (жонглер), driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление), was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией). " What are those knives doing in your car? (что эти ножи делают в вашей машине)" asked the officer (спросил офицер).

" I juggle them in my act (я жонглирую ими в моем номере)."

" Oh yeah? " says the cop (говорит полицейский). " Let's see you do it (посмотрим = покажи, как ты это делаешь)."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives (и жонглер начинает подбрасывать ножи и жонглировать ими).

A guy driving by (человек, проезжающий мимо) sees this (видит это) and says, " Wow, am I glad I quit drinking (я рад, что я бросил пить). Look at the test they're making you do now! (посмотри на тест, который они заставляют тебя пройти теперь)"

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. " What are those knives doing in your car? " asked the officer.
" I juggle them in my act."
" Oh yeah? " says the cop. " Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, " Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now! "

Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, " Lady, it says here (здесь говорится) that you should be wearing glasses (что вы должны носить очки)."

The woman answered (женщина ответила), " Well, I have contacts (ну, у меня контакты = контактные линзы)."

The policeman replied, " I don't care who you know! (мне все равно, кого вы знаете, с кем вы знакомы) You're getting a ticket! (вы получаете штрафной талон)"

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, " Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, " Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, " I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket! "

Well, I have contacts.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older (три дамы обсуждали трудности старения = связанные со старением; travail - тяжелый труд; усилие, напряжение [`træ veı l]). One said (одна сказала), " Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand (иногда я обнаруживаю: «ловлю» себя с банкой майонеза в руке), while standing in front of the refrigerator (стоящей напротив холодильника), and I can't remember whether I need to put it away (и я не могу вспомнить, должна ли я убрать его), or start making a sandwich (или начать делать сандвич)."

The second (вторая) lady chimed in with (вступила /в разговор/; chime - перезвон колоколов; to chime - выбивать /мелодию/, отбивать /часы/, звучать согласно), " Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs (да, иногда я нахожу себя на лестничной площадке) and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down (и не могу вспомнить была ли я " на пути" наверх или " на пути" вниз)."

The third one responded (третья ответила), " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem (ну, леди, я рада, что у меня нет этой проблемы). Knock on wood (постучу, /надо/ постучать по дереву), " as she rapped her knuckles on the table (тут она постучала костяшками пальцев по столу), and then said, " That must be the door (это должно быть дверь), I'll get it! (я открою)"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, " Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, " Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood, " as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, " That must be the door, I'll get it! "

I'll get it!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде), his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring-rang-rung/). Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его), " Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что " есть" машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280). Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен)"

" Heck (черт), " said Herman, " It's not just one car (это не одна машина). It's hundreds of them! (их сотни)"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful! "
" Heck, " said Herman, " It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them! "

Please be careful!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things (одна восьмидесятитилетняя пара " имела проблемы" = испытывала затруднения с запоминанием " вещей"), so they decided to go to their doctor (и они решили пойти к их врачу) to get checked out (" стать проверенными" = чтобы их проверили) to make sure nothing was wrong with them (чтобы убедиться, что у них все в порядке; nothing - ничто, ничего; wrong - неправильно). When they arrived at the doctor's (когда они пришли к доктору; to arrive - прибывать), they explained (они объяснили) to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory (о проблемах, которые они переживали со своей памятью).

After checking the couple out (после проверки пары), the doctor tells them that they were physically okay (доктор говорит им, что физически они в порядке) but might start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things (но могут начать записывать " вещи" и писать записки, чтобы помочь им запомнить /некоторые/ вещи). The couple thanked the doctor and left (пара поблагодарила доктора и ушла /to leave-left-left - покидать/).

Later that night while watching TV (позже тем же вечером, смотря телевизор), the old man got up from his chair (старик встал со стула) and his wife asks (и его жена спрашивает), " Where are you going? (куда ты идешь)"

He replies, " To the kitchen (на кухню)."

She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? (ты не принесешь мне порцию мороженого; bowl - чашка)"

He replies, " Sure (конечно)."

She then asks him, " Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? (ты не думаешь, что тебе нужно это записать, чтобы ты смог это запомнить)"

He says, " No, I can remember that (нет, я могу это запомнить)."

She then (затем) says, " Well, I also would like some strawberries on top (ну, еще, я хотела бы несколько клубничек сверху). You'd better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that (тебе бы лучше это записать, потому что я знаю, ты это забудешь)."

He says, " I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, " Well, I also would like whip cream on top (взбитые сливки наверху; whip - кнут, хлыст; to whip - хлестать; взбивать). I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice (с раздражением в голосе), he says, " I don't need to write that down (мне не нужно то записывать), I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen (он затем испаряется на кухню).

After about 20 minutes (через, примерно, двадцать минут) he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs (он возвращается из кухни и протягивает ей тарелку с беконом и яйцами).

She stares at the plate for a moment and says (она смотрит на тарелку с секунду и говорит), " You forgot my toast (ты забыл мой тост)."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, " Where are you going? "
He replies, " To the kitchen."
She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? "
He replies, " Sure."
She then asks him, " Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? "
He says, " No, I can remember that."
She then says, " Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, " I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, " Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, " I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, " You forgot my toast."

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home (три старика сидят на веранде дома для престарелых). The first says (первый говорит), " Fellas (парни /небрежно/; fellow - парень), I got real problems (у меня серьезные проблемы). I'm seventy years old (мне семьдесят). Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate (каждое утро в семь часов я встаю и пытаюсь помочиться). All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps (мне дают все виды лекарств = самые разные лекарства, но ничего не помогает)."

The second (второй) old man says, " You think you have problems (ты думаешь, у тебя проблемы). I'm eighty years old (мне восемьдесят). Every morning at 8: 00 (каждое утро в восемь) I get up and try to move my bowels (я встаю и пытаюсь покакать: «двинуть мои кишки»). I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps (они дают мне все типы лекарств; stuff - материал, вещество, часто употребляется в значении " все такое"; но ничего не помогает)."

Finally the third old man speaks up (наконец, третий старик заговаривает), " Fellas, I'm ninety years old (мне девяносто). Every morning at 7: 00 sharp (ровно; sharp – острый; точно, ровно) I urinate. Every morning at 8: 00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9: 00 sharp I wake up (просыпаюсь)."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, " Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, " You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8: 00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, " Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7: 00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8: 00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9: 00 sharp I wake up."

I got real problems.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

Every morning at 9: 00 sharp I wake up.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [∂ nı `v∂: (r)s(∂)rı ]). On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе).

He replies, " No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились). Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot-shot/ - стрелять + gun - ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw-threw-thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе). Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком)"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, " No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man! "

I was thinking about the time before we got married.

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years (пожилая вдова и вдовец встречались около пяти лет). The man finally decided to ask her to marry (мужчина наконец решил просить ее руки). She immediately said " yes" (oна тут же сказала " да"; immediately [ı `mi: dj∂ tlı ] - немедленно).

The next morning when he awoke (на следующее утро, когда он проснулся; to awake), he couldn't remember what her answer was! (он не мог припомнить, каков был ее ответ) " Was she happy? (она была счастлива = рада) I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… (кажется, подождите, нет, она смотрела на меня странно; fun - веселье, забава; funny - забавно; странно)"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail (после часа бесполезных попыток вспомнить; avail - польза [∂ `veı l]), he gave her a call (он позвонил ей). Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal (смущенный, он признался, что не помнит ее ответа на предложение; proposal [pr∂ `p∂ uz(∂)l]).

" Oh, " she said, " I'm so glad you called (я так рада, что вы позвонили). I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was (я помню, что сказала " да" кому-то, но я не могла вспомнить, кто это был)."

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said " yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! " Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
" Oh, " she said, " I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

I'm so glad you called.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого), " Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как " клиника памяти" - т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце)"

" Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding - выдающийся), " Fred replied. " They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации - это " сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saı k∂ `lodż ı k∂ l] techniques [tek`ni: ks])."