Глава 12. Stage two of initiation gives me a lot more trouble than stage one did

Stage two of initiation gives me a lot more trouble than stage one did. A few ugly insults have been thrown my way throughout the day (mostly from Peter), but I did my best to plaster a docile expression on my face and ignore their harsh remarks. Apparently excellence doesn't extend through all stages of initiation. Peter certainly struggled much more than he had previously now that brute strength doesn't play to his advantage. By the time it's Tris's turn, my patience has grown thin.

" Come on, Tris." I motion to her in the hallway.

I usher her into the room and let the door shut behind me.

No more than two steps into the room, Tris recoils and her shoulders shrink back and bump into my chest. She looks at the reclining metal chair with apprehension.

I nudge her towards the chair, hoping she wouldn't put up much of a resistance. Sit, " I tell her.

" What's the stimulation? " she says with a considerable effort in keeping her voice steady, but it comes out shaky anyways.

" Ever heard the phrase 'face your fears'? " I say. " We're taking that literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation."

I watch her lower herself onto the chair, her movements slow and calculated, like she's preparing for a fight against the immobile metal object. Well, it won't be a physical one, but a mental one.

It sure is a lot easier to oversee the stimulations rather than to experience them. Thinking back two years to my own initiation, I certainly can't say my first attempt was smooth sailing. Even though I knew it was only a simulation, I just couldn't fight off the feeling that felt much too real. It took a good fifteen minutes for my heartbeat to lower to a normal rate. When I woke from the simulation, my entire body was drenched in cold sweat. Real or fake, the sight of my father draws the same reaction from me.

Tris speaks up and brings my attention back to the present. " Do you ever administer the aptitude tests? "

" No, " I say. " I avoid Stiffs as much as possible." But for different reasons than you'd think, Tris.

" Why? "

Her inquisitiveness is going to land her in trouble one of these days.

" Do you ask me that because you think I'll actually answer? " I raise an eyebrow at her and carry on with the necessary preparations for her stimulation. I reach toward the plate carrying needles full of simulation serum, of which only three are full, wrap my fingers around one and lift it off of the plate.

Her eyes follow me as I step around the whirring equipment in the room to hover beside her. " Why do you say vague things if you don't want to be asked about them? "

I leave her questions hanging as I brush her hair to the side. Tris, you're ready for answers that I'm not prepared to share – at least not for the time being. Give me some time, that's all I need. I tap the side of the needle, and her eyes flicker down to my hands, following my smallest of movements.

" An injection? " Tris eyes the needle in my hand. The breath sucks out of her like a vacuum.

" We use a more advanced version of the simulation here, " I explain, " a different serum, no wires or electrodes for you."

" How does it work without wires? "

" Well, I have wires, so I can see what's going on. But for you, there's a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer."

I ease the tip of the needle into the tender skin on the side of her neck. Whether or not she's ready, I don't know, but her apprehension will only grow the longer this drags on.

" The serum will on into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test, " I explain. " In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdale, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions – like fear – and then induces a hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down – that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing."

The growing fear in her eyes makes me want to encase her in my arms and drive the panic away. I swear I can hear her heartbeats echo in the room – the rapid thump-a-thumps bouncing off of the walls and increasing the tension in her body. I ease my hands over her temples and lean my head down to hers, so close that my lips are just a breath away from her skin.

" Be brave, Tris." I whisper softly, trying to calm her nerves. " The first time is always the hardest."

I hold her gaze until she loses consciousness. The stimulation has begun.

Don't worry Tris, I'm following close behind.

Once I sit down in front of the computer monitor, I plug myself in and a field of grass materializes before my eyes instantly. Tris stands in the middle of the field as still as a stone. A shadow swoops overhead and drops onto her shoulder. A crow. Really? Crows? Tris swats at the bird, but it stays put on her shoulder as if the hand that is smacking it is nonexistent. Frustrated, Tris lashes out at the bird, but to no avail. The thing just stands there perched on her shoulder and ignorant to everything around it. The next second, the air reverberates with the sounds of thunder. In the distance, the sky darkens as a dark form passes over the sun. My first thought is thunderstorm clouds. However, as it nears, it becomes evident to me that it is not a storm cloud; it is a flock of crows. The mass of birds descend collectively and swarm Tris. Their beaks peck at any and every part of her exposed flesh. I watch her fight, but I cannot fight with her. I only hope she will remember my advice.

" Help! " she wails.

My heart wrenches at the sound of her voice. My first instinct is to run over to her and fight the birds off one by one with my bare hands, but I calm my mind and remind myself that this is only a simulation.

" Help! " she sobs over and over.

Come on, Tris, you can do it. Remember what I told you. Steady your breathing and it will all be over.

I remember back to my initiation, when I was in the exact same position as she is. I remember how real it all felt – how every touch and every prickle on my skin felt like it was tearing me apart piece by piece. If someone had pressed their mouth to my ears and whispered " it's not real", it would have helped me to snap out of the nightmare and regain control of my surroundings. Sometimes, all it takes is a single whisper to turn everything around.

So, that's what I do. I mentally will with my mind for her to hear my voice. It's not real, Tris. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Gradually, her breathing slows and she regains control of her heartbeats. It's as if she really did hear my voice! Already, I can feel reality tugging at the edges. I ease the electrodes off of my head and open my eyes to the dreary walls of the testing room.

Sounds of movement from the metal reclining chair tell me Tris is fully out of the simulation. She brings her knees to her chest and buries her face them. A soft groan escapes her lips. Immediately, I walk over and gently lay my hand on her shoulder in a weak attempt to comfort her.

I must have startled her because she shrinks from my touch and thrusts an arm out, her fist making contact with my stomach. " Don't touch me! " she wails.

" It's over, " I murmur, shifting my hand around awkwardly to stroke her hair, hoping my touch won't set her off again.

I watch her silently. She runs her hands along her arms again and again, swatting at invisible things that are merely an extension of her imagination. I long to reach out and comfort her, but past experiences tell me it's better to just let her be.

" Tris…"

I watch her, my eyes full of concern. She rocks back and forth in the metal chair, not blinking or speaking.

" Tris, I'm going to take you back to the dorms, okay? "

" No! " she objects, glaring at me through tear-filled eyes. " They can't see me…not like this…"

" Oh, calm down, " I roll my eyes. " I'll take you out the back door." I gesture towards a second door that leads to a different hallway.

" I don't need you to…" she insists, despite the fact that she is shaking and crying.

I huff out a disgruntled sigh. " Nonsense."

Without another word, I take hold of her arm and guide her out of the room, down the hallway. To my surprise, she doesn't resist my grip. When we have put a fair amount of distance between us and the testing room, she yanks her arm out of my hand and turns on me.

" Why did you do that to me? " she starts. " What was the point of that, huh? I wasn't aware that when I chose Dauntless, I was signing up for weeks of torture! "

For her sake, I plaster on a placid expression and resist the urge to argue back. " Did you think overcoming cowardice would be easy? " I say calmly.

" That isn't overcoming cowardice! Cowardice is how you decide to be in real life, and in real life, I am not getting pecked to death by crows, Four! " Her sobbing comes before I have a chance to say anything. Not knowing what to do, I settle for standing beside her awkwardly while mentally kicking myself for my lack of knowledge on how to respond to random emotional outbursts. How does Shauna do it? I wonder, thinking back to the numerous times that she has consoled those in distress by gently wrapping her arms around their shoulders and murmuring soothing words.

Think like Shauna. Channel Shauna.

Before I have a chance to channel anything Shauna-like, Tris regains control of her emotions.

" I want to go home, " she mumbles.

If only she knew those were the exact words I was thinking a few weeks ago. But of course, I have no home to go back to. I wanted out of this place as well, but then she came along. I want to grab her by the shoulders and tell her that it gets better, that all it takes for everything to change is one person – the right person. She is that person. I want to tell her all of that, but my fear of what Eric might do if he learns of my feelings towards her overwhelms my desire to confess. " Learning how to think in the midst of fear, " I say instead, " is a lesson that everyone, even your Stiff family, needs to learn. That's what we're trying to teach you. If you can't learn it, you'll need to get the hell out of here, because we won't want you."

" I'm trying. " Tris whimpers. " But I failed. I'm failing." Oh, Tris. You have to start doubting yourself.

I sigh. " How long do you think you spent in that hallucination, Tris? "

She shakes her head. " I don't know. A half hour? "

" Three minutes, " I tell her. " You got out three times faster than the other initiates. Whatever you are, you're not a failure." In fact, you are the exact opposite. I smile in encouragement. " Tomorrow you'll be better at this. You'll see."

" Tomorrow? "

I dip my head in a subtle nod and guide her towards the dormitory. Sometimes, I forget she is just a sixteen year old girl. In my eyes, she is so much more than what she believes herself to be. I want to push her, to test her limits and drive her ambition because I know she has more will and guts than she lets on; but there is always a gnawing dread at the back of head that one day, she will snap from the pressure. I always worry about that day, even though I know it will never come. I'm just so afraid of losing the one person that I have a possibility of growing close to after distancing myself from everyone for so long.

For a while, we walk in silence.

" What was your first hallucination? " she asks while sneaking glances at my expression.

" It wasn't a 'what' so much as a 'who'." I shrug, not bothering to expand on my vague answer. Anyways, now is not the time. " It's not important."

" And are you over that fear now? "

" Not yet." I say, thinking back to my simulation. I unconsciously massage my wrists, where I swear I can still feel the painful sting of Marcus's belt. " I may never be."

" So they don't go away? "

" Sometimes they do. And sometimes new fears replace them. But becoming fearless isn't the point. That is impossible. It's learning to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that's the point."

She nods slowly.

" Anyways, " I add. " Your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation."

" What do you mean? "

" Well, are you really afraid of crows? " I smile at her and cock my head to the side. " When you see one, do you run away screaming? " I try to picture it: Tris, the girl who jumps trains and beats girls twice the size of her to a pulp, startled by a harmless black bird. Not likely.

" No. I guess not." she admits. For a second, I think about closing the distance between us. Just one small step and we'd be standing skin to skin. What good will that do though? It's not like I can outwardly display any signs of affection towards her, at least not while initiation is still going on. If Eric or any other initiate sees, I will be accused of favouritism, and I can't risk that for Tris's sake.

She takes a step closer and leans against the wall, her eyes on my face once again. " So what am I really afraid of? " she asks.

" I don't know, " I say. " Only you can know."

" I didn't know becoming Dauntless would be this difficult, " she admits. Her eyes search my face for any sign of disapproval at her confession, but I don't show any. I don't think she realizes I was once in the exact same position. An Abnegation transfer – a Stiff – in a Dauntless compound.

" It wasn't always like this, I'm told, " I tell her. " Being Dauntless, I mean."

" What changed? "

" The leadership, " I say. " The person who controls training sets the standard of Dauntless behaviour. Six years ago Max and the other leaders changed the training methods to make them more competitive and more brutal, said it was supposed to test people's strength. And that changed the priorities of Dauntless as a whole. Bet you can't guess who the leaders' new proté gé is."

She mulls over my words for a few moments. " So if you were ranked first in your initiate class, what was Eric's rank? "

" Second."

" So he was their second choice for leadership, and you were their first." She nods slowly, chewing over the pieces of the puzzle that she is trying to fit together.

" What makes you say that? "

" The way Eric was acting at dinner the first night. Jealous, even though he has what he wants."

Dead on, Tris. It scares me to see the same sneering personality reflected in another in the initiate group: Peter. Jealousy induces dangerous behavior, I muse, thinking about what happened to that boy, Edward. I hope Peter doesn't breed into a mini Eric. There are enough lunatics running around in the compound.

Tris lets out one last sniffle, wipes her face, and smoothes down her hair. " Do I look like I've been crying? "

" Hmm, " I lean in close and narrow my eyes, pretending to carefully inspect her face. A smile plays at the corners of my lips. " No, Tris. You look tough as nails." And I mean it.

I raise my bottle of beer and clink it against the other three bottles that are hovering in midair. It's not like there's anything to toast, but I do it anyways out of habit.

" To Shauna's dimple chin! " Zeke jokes light-heartedly.

" To Zeke's chipmunk cheeks! " Shauna retorts, playfully shoving her fist into his arm.

" To Zeke's beer belly! " Lauren chimes in.

I take a swig and add, " To Lauren's bloated fingers! " which earns me a light smack across the head.

" They're not bloated! " she whines. " They're normal sized."

On and on we go, blurting out toast after toast, each one sounding more ridiculous than the last. Already, I can feel reality blurring at the edges.

" Hey, look." Zeke gestures away from the chasm with his bottle. " It's the Stiff."

I follow his gaze to where Tris stands with her friends. My eyes widen at the sight of her. It's weird to see her like this: so real and carefree, just a regular sixteen year old kid when you break down the tough exterior. I notice the new shirt she's wearing that exposes her shoulders and collarbones.

" Tris, " I call out before I can stop myself.

I break away from the rail and walk over to where she is standing. Up close, I see the makeup lining her eyes. The crisp black line contrasts the soft gray colour of her eyes. Beautiful. No, not beautiful. She's much more than that. Striking. The alcohol pounds in my head, masking my eyes with a thin layer of film that makes everything look hazy and surreal. She looks surreal. My heartbeat picks up instinctively as I become aware of how close our bodies are. It's as if someone is holding a microphone against my chest. The entire world seems to reverberate, each beat matching the rhythmic thumping of my heart. " You look different." I manage to slur out.

" So do you, " she says, though I don't exactly know why she said that. " What are you doing? "

" Flirting with death, " I laugh at the thought. Man, we really are a bunch of reckless kids. True Dauntless behaviour, I suppose. " Drinking near the chasm. Probably not a good idea."

" No, it isn't." she says apprehensively.

I try to study her expression, but my eyes can't concentrate on anything for longer than a second. A black speck of ink draws my eyes to her collarbone. " Didn't know you had a tattoo."

Keep the conversation going, I tell myself. Unsure of what to say next, I take a sip from my bottle to buy me some time, but with my mind this sluggish, I don't come up with anything. All I manage to squeeze out is " Right. The crows. "

I look over my shoulder at Lauren, Shauna, and Zeke and do a head count. One, two, three. All there. Good. They seem to be carrying on just fine without me. " I'd ask you to hang out with us, but you're not supposed to see me this way."

" That way? " she asks. " Drunk? "

" Yeah…well, no." My mind is so sluggish that words don't process the way they use to. They tumble out of my mouth on their own. " Real, I guess." Although what I said doesn't quite make sense to me, Tris takes in the answer and doesn't keep prodding.

" I'll pretend I didn't." she assures me.

" Nice of you." I lean close and put my lips next to her ear. They brush her skin for a second, making my nerves tingle with excitement. I work to keep my breathing even. " You look good Tris."

She giggles nervously. " Do me a favour and stay away from the chasm, okay? "

" Of course." I wink at her and stumble back toward the railing to rejoin my friends.

I watch Al run off with her on his shoulder. Her shrieking laughter fills my ears and I give a little smile in her direction. My mind wills her to come back as they round a corner, but she doesn't. Even now, I can't fully recall our conversation. I can only hope that I didn't cross any boundaries. But, for now, all is lost to me. I turn back to my friends and raise my bottle once again.

" To flirting with death."