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Глава 11. I wake up to the words Fear God Alone painted on one of the gleaming white walls of my room






I wake up to the words " Fear God Alone" painted on one of the gleaming white walls of my room. The numbers on the clock sitting on my desk stare at me stupidly. 9: 38 A.M.

I roll over, my head still foggy from sleep, and let out an exasperated sigh. No dreams last night, I muse. Although it's my first dreamless sleep in a while, I feel more drained than ever.

Today is Visiting Day – a day that holds no special meaning to me anymore. Not that it ever did. Visiting Day is meant for final goodbyes, for kisses on the cheek, and teary eyed parents. I said goodbye to my father, the only family I have left, long before Visiting Day. I said goodbye to him when rage and despair at the loss of my mother overtook him.

I sit up and massage the kink in my neck.

I wonder how things are back home. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still picture myself running down the street that I have lived on my entire life. I can feel the cracked cement beneath my shoes, and see the uniform gray houses rush by as I zoom down the street. " Tobias! " my mother would always call whenever I strayed too far from our home. Some nights, when I'm lying in bed, with nothing but the swirling of the wind to break the stillness, I swear it still carries her voice. I only ever hear it for a second, and then it's gone.

Reluctantly, I push myself out of bed and get ready for the day.

The dining hall is already packed by the time I make it down there. People mill around like ants, getting ready for their day.

I spot my friends sitting in our usual spot, chatting away and throwing muffin crumbs at each other. I make my over to them, chuckling quietly to myself like an idiot.

" Morning." I say, as I dodge a soggy blueberry aimed at my face.

" Oh look, his highness has decided to grace us with his presence this lovely morning." Zeke jokes, patting me on the shoulder as I squeeze in beside him. " To what do we owe this pleasure? "

" Man, just pass the food. I'm starving." I say, reaching for a piece of toast.

" Listen to them, " Lauren gestures around her. " I wish they would calm down a bit. Watching them makes me nervous, and I don't even have any reason to be nervous."

Lauren sighs dramatically and takes a large bite out of her crumbling muffin.

I see a few initiates wandering about the dining hall, eyes glancing from side to side, rubbing their hands together to defuse the tension building up inside.

Visiting Day does that to you. The outcome of this day is either good, or bad. No in-betweens. Either your parents love you enough to visit, or they feel so much betrayal at your decision to leave your faction that they can't bear to see you again. No transfer wants to find themselves in the latter situation.

After breakfast, Lauren and Zeke propose a knife throwing challenge, but I don't feel up for it. The nervous buzz in the air sets me off for some reason, which eliminates knife throwing as a good way to clear my head.

" You're chickening out, Four? " Zeke teases, flapping his arms and squawking like a chicken.

" Hey, remember, " I point a finger at Zeke and cock an eyebrow. " I can still kick your ass on my worst days."

" Whatever helps you sleep at night." He shrugs.

" Catch you later, Four." Lauren says as she turns to head up towards one of the training rooms.

I watch the pair of them walk out of the dining hall, playfully shoving each other and laughing as they disappear out the door.

I spend the rest of my morning by the chasm. I lean over the railing as far as I dare to, but never far enough to be in any real danger of falling. White, frothy water tumbles around and around, down the rocks and into the river down below. Water droplets land on my face and shirt, dotting the fabric with dark, damp circles.

Over the roar of the water, I hear voices.

" That's terrible." The voice says.

It's Tris.

She mumbles something that I don't quite catch, even though I'm straining my ears trying to listen to what she's saying.

Do I turn around?

She must be with her parents.

Do I introduce myself to them?

Maybe I should leave and give them some privacy.

" He's handsome. " A more mature, female voice muses.

I take this as my cue to look over my shoulder. My eyes widen at the sight of a woman who looks like the splitting image of Tris, only older. She has the same blonde hair that hangs in waves over her shoulders, and a pair of pale, glassy eyes, just like Tris. What surprises me most is that I know her. I don't know why I didn't make the connection earlier. Tris Prior. I know her family. Andrew Prior, Tris's father no doubt, is a close acquaintance and colleague of my father's. We've been invited to the Prior's for dinner numerous times, but I've always declined the invitation; though I'm certain her mother recognizes me. She has seen me out with my father. Every time they pass one another, they always exchange greetings.

She starts towards me and offers her hand. " Hello, " she introduces herself. " My name is Natalie, I'm Beatrice's mother."

" Four, " I say. " It's nice to meet you."

" Four, " she repeats, the word hanging on her tongue. " Is that a nickname? "

" Yes." I reply curtly, not bothering to elaborate. " Your daughter is doing well here. I've been overseeing her training."

" That's good to hear, " she says. " I know a few things about Dauntless initiation, and I was worried about her."

I look over at Tris. Dark circles line the underneath of her eyes. She's just as tired as I am, but she doesn't show it in training. Although she is still the smallest of the initiates, she is no longer the frail, timid girl that stood in her place at the beginning of initiation.

" You shouldn't worry." I assure her. Yesterday's fight has proven Tris to be more than capable of adapting to life as a Dauntless.

" You look familiar for some reason, Four."

Her simple statement catches me off guard. So she does remember me. I tense up, even though she didn't outwardly accuse me of anything. " I can't imagine why." I say, the words coming out harsher than I intended them to sound. " I don't make a habit of associating with the Abnegation."

To my surprise, Mrs. Prior laughs. " Few people do, these days. I don't take it personally."

I relax a little. " Well, I'll leave you to your reunion."

I walk back to the sanctuary of my room, where a daunting task lies before me.

Not only is today Visiting Day, but it is also the day rankings for stage one are determined and posted.

Last night, I removed the chalkboard from the initiate's sleeping area to write down the rankings. It has remained untouched since I last put it down – still leaning against the wall, still a blank canvas of nothingness.

I take a seat opposite the board, flipping a piece of chalk over and over in my fingers. When I absolutely cannot stall any longer, I puff out an air of defiance, call Eric into the room, and get to work.

X X X

Later in the evening, I lug the chalkboard up to the initiates' bedroom. A few people are already scattered around the room when I walk in. Their heads snap in my direction when I walk through the door, and follow me all the way to the back of the room, where I stand with the chalkboard leaning against my leg, and the piece of chalk from this afternoon still in my hand.

" After the first round of fights, " I begin as the initiates gather around me in a tight group. " You are ranked – "

The door flies open and in comes Drew, Tris, Christina, Will and Al, all looking quite frazzled and out of breath.

" For those of you who just came in, I'm explaining how the ranks are determined, " I tell them. " After the first round of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level. The number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don't reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice."

My eyes linger on Peter for a second as I say the last line.

" If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent."

Molly lets out a noise halfway between a snort and a grumble. I ignore her displeasure and continue my speech.

" Stage two of training if weighted more heavily than stage one, because it is more closely tied to overcoming cowardice." I explain. " That said, it is extremely difficult to rank high at the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one."

Tris's twitchy movements in the crowd immediately draw my attention to her, but she averts her eyes when she notices my stare. All I am hoping for right now is that her mother has kept my identity – my real one – a secret. One day, she will find out. One day, I will have the courage to open up to her. But, until then, I will to remain to her as Four, the boy without a past.

" We will announce the cuts tomorrow, " I continue, shifting my eyes away from Tris. " The fact that you are transfers and the Dauntless-born initiates are not will not be taken into consideration. Four of you could be factionless and non of them. Or four of them could be factionless and none of you. Or any combination thereof. That said, here are your ranks."

I hang the board on the hook and step back so the initiates can get at good look at their rankings.

" What? " Molly pipes up, pointing a stubby finger at Christina. " I beat her! I beat her in minutes, and she's ranked above me? "

" Yeah, " Christina gloats. " And? "

I cut in before Molly has a chance to retort. " If you intend to secure yourself a high rank, I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low-ranked opponents."

I pocket the piece of chalk in my hand and navigate my way through the tightly-knit group of initiates. I can feel Tris's eyes following my every move. There is no doubt my comment stung her ego, but there is nothing I can do. I do believe that she is capable of much more than she lets on – I really do – but I only have so much control over the rankings. I don't second guess her abilities at all – not even for a second. I just hope she realizes I'm not the bad guy here. I don't know what I would do if I planted a seed of doubt in her tonight.

I really don't know what I would do.

So, I walk out of the room without risking so much as a glance in her direction, and carry on with my night.

 

 






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