Twenty-Eight

I woke abruptly the next morning at five. Hunter was sacked out beside me and grumbled in his sleep when I moved. I had a moment of not being able to breathe, like something was pressing against me.

I’d expected a panic attack. I’d had more than I could count in my lifetime. I knew I had some anti-anxiety meds somewhere, but they weren’t going to do any good at this point, since they took a while to build up in your system. Anything else I could have taken would have made me looped out. So I just stayed where I was, focusing on Hunter’s arms and the fact that no, I was not, in fact, dying.

I stared at Hunter. His eyes jumped behind his eyelids. For a guy, he had really thick eyelashes. He looked so sweet when he slept, as long as he wasn’t having a nightmare. Every now and then, if he was sleeping really deeply, he’d snore a little.

My love for him settled over me like a blanket fresh from the dryer on a chilly winter night. The tight feeling went away as I stepped into our bubble. It was harder this time, but I somehow got there. Hunter frowned in his sleep and muttered something.

I kissed his nose and lay back down, turning my head so I could look at him. He was pretty damn swell.

I started freaking out again when Hunter tried to make me eat some dry toast and ginger ale.

“I’m not going to force you, but you’re going to regret it if you don’t.” I’d never seen him so stern, so I munched a few bites of toast and drank some of the ginger ale. Darah, Mase and Renee all hugged me and wished me well as they went off to their classes and such for the day. Paul had a cold, so he’d stayed at his place for the night, but he texted me and so did Megan.

If I wouldn’t have been so stressed, my heart would have warmed at all the people who were supporting me.

I’d lost the battle to drive, so Hunter was also skipping classes to drive me. I hadn’t fought hard on that one. The parole board might make their decision right after the hearing, so I probably wouldn’t be in any shape to drive back to campus in any case.

The hearing was scheduled for ten, but I was ready to go at eight-thirty. Hunter got out his guitar and let me make requests, switching from one song to the other, even in the middle. It was a weird mash-up, kind of like flipping radio stations. It amused me for some of the time, but when my legs started twitching so much I couldn’t sit down, Hunter grabbed our coats and pushed me outside for a walk across campus. He’d also suggested doing some more blow paintings, but I couldn’t sit still long enough to even get the stuff set up. I’d probably just end up using all black and making a huge mess anyway.

The leaves were starting to blush from green to orange and red and yellow. I loved campus in the fall. Even the air tasted better in the fall. We walked slowly, and he kept kicking pinecones in my way so I could crunch them under my feet.

Hunter was uncharacteristically silent during our walk, which was both helpful and not helpful. On the one hand, he wasn’t chattering at me like some people would have, trying to fill my head with crap so I wouldn’t think about other crap, but on the other, I could only focus on the bad crap without his voice distracting me.

We passed other students on their way to and from class and dorms and work and sports practices. Their lives seemed so simple. Not for the first time, I wished I could jump into someone else’s life. Or maybe at least I could have multiple personalities, so at least I could pretend I was having another life.

“What are you thinking about? ” I asked Hunter.

“You.”

“What about me? ”

“Specifically? That look on your face when you wake up in the morning and see that I’m next to you. It’s my second favorite after that look when I make you come.”

“Hunter! ” I smacked him and glanced around to make sure no one had overheard.

“Baby, no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves. I could throw you down right here right now and most people would just walk right by. You wanna give it a shot? I can prove it to you.” He gave me that smirk that I hadn’t seen in several hours. It made me feel warm inside.

“I don’t want to get arrested for public fornication, thank you very much. I’ve had too much time in a courtroom to last me a lifetime.”

“I’m sorry. I was trying to avoid making you think about that.”

“Hunter, everything makes me think about that.”

“You wouldn’t be thinking about it if we were hay rolling, I bet.”

“Probably not. I don’t really think about much of anything when we’re doing that.”

“That is my goal.”

“You’re very good at it.”

“Why thank you, Missy.”

We walked some more until we had to turn back.

“Do you have everything? ” Hunter said as I packed my purse. I had my statement, along with at least five copies stashed in various pockets so I’d have a back-up. Hunter also had several copies stashed in his pockets. He’d picked out the pencil skirt and cappuccino-colored sweater and boots I was wearing. He dressed nice as well — a show of solidarity.

“Here, ” he said, handing me his iPod when we got into his car. “Go to Missy’s playlist.” I plugged the player into his speakers and hit play.

Honey, Come Home filled the car, but it wasn’t The Head and the Heart singing. It was Hunter. The sound quality wasn’t great, but I didn’t care. I sat still and silent as I heard his voice cradle the song. When it ended, he paused the playlist.

“Is that what you’ve been doing when you’re supposed to be working? ”

“Partly. There’s a recording studio in Bangor that rents out by the hour. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but I finally found a reason to do it.”

I reached for his hand and kissed the back of it. Words couldn’t really express how I felt.

“So you want to hear more? ”

“How much more is there? ”

“Plenty. I picked songs that made me think of you.”

“Uh oh.” I imagined all the possibilities, shuddering.

“Hit play and find out, ” he said, his voice daring me. I accepted that challenge.

The second song was I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz, followed by She’s So Mean by Matchbox 20. That one made me laugh. The rest of the songs were an eclectic mix: some pop, some country, some folk. From Rhianna’s Umbrella to Tip of My Tongue by The Civil Wars to Ours by Taylor Swift.

“This is the last song, ” he said as he turned onto the Waterville exit.

It was the song he’d written for me. He’d slowed it down and changed some of the lyrics so they were sweeter. The song ended as he pulled into the courthouse parking lot. What timing. The playlist didn’t end, and Hunter’s voice came on, minus the guitar.

“I love you, Missy girl. Even if I can’t be with you, know that I’m here. So, that’s it. More than the stars, Taylor. More than the stars.”

“More than the stars, ” I said, leaning over and giving him a kiss.

It was time to face the darkness.

Twenty-Nine

We beat Tawny to the hearing, but my mom was there. She grabbed me and pulled me into a hug before I could even say anything.

“Thank you for coming, Hunter. You don’t know how good it makes me feel to know that she has someone to support her when I can’t be there.”

“Thank you, Blaire.”

Mom checked her watch. “I swear, your sister would be late to her own funeral.” Two seconds later, Tawny came dashing in, hopping on one foot so she could adjust her heel that had slipped off.

“I’m here, I’m here. You all know I’m always late.”

“We do, ” Mom and I said.

There were other people milling around, and I saw Mr. Woodward. There was a man talking with him, and I clutched Hunter’s hand tighter.

“Mom? Did you invite him? ”

“Your father has every right to be here, Kid.”

Dad looked up and met my eyes. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. He looked older, wearier. I found my features in his face, and it was shocking how much I looked like him. I’d never noticed how much.

“That’s your dad? ” Hunter whispered in my ear.

“Yeah.”

“You have his nose.”

“I’m aware.”

Dad walked over slowly, as if he couldn’t believe I was here. He was all dressed up in a snappy suit. I hadn’t seen him in a suit in years and years.

“Hey, Kid.”

“Hey, Dad.” He was the first one in our family to start calling me that. Hunter tried to let go of my hand, but I wouldn’t let him.

“You look so grown up.”

“Yeah, that’s bound to happen.”

“How are you? I’ve tried calling, but —“ he shrugged.

“I’ve been busy with school and stuff.”

“Hey, Dad, ” Tawny said, coming and giving him a hug. They had a much closer relationship and talked on a regular basis.

“Hey, Tawn. You doing okay? ”

“I just want to get this over with.”

“You’re going to do great. Both of you.” He looked back at me, and I saw his eyes flick over Hunter. Damn, I was going to have to introduce them.

“Dad, this is Hunter. Hunter, Dad.”

They shook hands and exchanged the normal dad-meets-boyfriend stuff. It was about to get awkward when Mr. Woodward said they were going to seat us.

“More than the stars, ” Hunter said, giving me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be waiting. Give him hell.”

“I will.”

Our hands parted and I had to turn to walk away from him. I took one last look over my shoulder, holding up the necklace he’d given me to show him that he was coming with me, even if he couldn’t physically be there.

Walking into the courthouse was like stepping through the looking glass into another space and time. I felt twelve again, only that time I’d been holding my mother’s hand in one of mine and my father’s in the other.

Tawny walked behind me this time, Mom in front and Dad bringing up the rear.

The wooden benches were the same; the long, tall frosted windows were the same. The creak in the ancient floor was the same.

I saw Travis’ mother, brother and stepfather already seated on his side of the courtroom, along with a girl I didn’t recognize. His lawyer was there, but not Travis. Five people were seated in the jury box, so that must be the parole board.

There were other people there, and I assumed they were also part of the proceedings. A gentle hum of talking filled the room, but it might as well have been yelling. Tawny had to poke at me to get me to keep walking.

I sat down on the wooden bench that had probably supported thousands of butts in its lifetime. I tried to think, but my head was blank. Tawny sat next to me, and took my hand, digging her nail into my palm.

“Hey, ” she said.

“I’m here.”

“Good. He’s nothing. He can’t hurt you, or me. He’s never going to hurt anyone again, understand? You just have to tell them our story.”

“Okay.”

A side door opened and Travis came in. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Tawny. Or maybe it was me.

The man who walked into the courtroom wasn’t the same teenage boy who had nearly raped me and my sister.

This man was older, thinner, and had a hollow, unhealthy look to him. He looked much dirtier, too. Travis had always been well-manscaped back then.

The warden announced that the hearing was about to start, and I braced myself. I knew it was going to be a long time before we were allowed to speak. Part of me wished they had let us sit outside, brought us in to speak and then took us out again.

Travis turned his head and looked at me. I met his eyes and held them. Well, one thing hadn’t changed. There was still nothing behind them. Just emptiness. The same emptiness I’d seen that night that felt like yesterday and thousands of years ago at once.

With that, I checked out of the courtroom. There were interviews with Travis’ family, with them talking about how he was sorry for what he had done, and he had a plan for his life and so forth. The strange girl turned out to be his girlfriend, who cried and carried on about God knows what. His lawyer spoke, and the superintendent of the prison spoke, and it was all talking, talking, talking.

I heard none of it.

I was thinking about waking up in Hunter’s arms. I was thinking about making wedding plans with Megan. I was thinking about dancing the night away with Darah and Renee. I was thinking about shopping with Tawny.

I filled my head with beautiful things so the ugly things were pushed aside.

And then, it was time for us to speak. Tawny went first, and I tuned back in to listen.

“I don’t have much to say, so I’m going to keep this short, but not sweet. I don’t do sweet. I haven’t done sweet since this… animal, tried to have his way with me, and then when my baby sister saw us and tried to help me, he went after her. This person — I don’t call him a man, because no man would ever do that to a woman — tried to rape me and then my baby sister. My baby sister. Think about that. He tried to rape a child. He doesn’t deserve to get out early, no matter what he tells you. He’s a proven liar and hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. Travis, ” she said, turning to stare directly at him, “from this day forward, for the rest of my life, I will never think of you again. You don’t deserve space in my mind. I’m going to forget you, because you deserve to be forgotten. What was your name again? Thank you.” She sat back down, and I could feel her shaking. I grabbed her hand and she gave me a little hug.

“Your turn, Kid. Knock ‘em dead.”

I got to my feet and nearly stumbled trying to make my way around everyone’s feet to get to the podium. Or was it a lectern? Stop it, brain.

I unfolded my paper and cleared my throat. The words swum in front of me and suddenly I couldn’t read. I reached down and took hold of Hunter’s necklace. I stared at each person on the parole board. Three women, two men. I had to make them understand.

More than the stars.

“When I was twelve, I was nearly raped by that man, Travis Moore. He told me he would kill me if I ever told. Well, I’m still alive, and I’m telling you now. Travis Moore tried to rape me, and my sister. While rape may not seem as serious a crime as murder, in a way he is a murderer. He killed the happy girl I once was.” I paused and pulled out a photograph of me, taken when I was twelve. I had a huge grin on my face as my dad tickled me. Mom had snapped it only a few months before it had happened.

“Do you see this girl? She’s gone. Travis killed her. When that girl died, a new one was born. An angry, bitter person who was afraid of every single man she ever saw. Afraid that around every corner an attacker lurked. Afraid to give my heart to anyone for fear that they would hurt me. I have spent countless hours in therapy and broken probably thousands of dollars of china, furniture and a computer because of that thing there. But you know what? I’m not afraid of you anymore. You don’t haunt my dreams.” I was shaking, but I turned to face Travis, just like Tawny.

“I’ve found someone to love me, despite becoming that angry, bitter girl. He reminds me that I am the girl I once was, and together, he’s helping me heal what you broke on that night. Like Tawny, from this day forward, I will not think your name, I will not picture your face and I will erase you from my life. You no longer have any power over me. You no longer have any power over my ability to love. You know what? Love is so much more powerful than hate. I used to hate you, but it’s so much easier to love. And that’s something you will never understand.” His empty eyes stared into me, but I didn’t care. A strange sort of power had taken over me and I nearly smiled at him.

“I hope that by sharing my story, I can give you a window into what this person is really like. Would you let someone free who had done this to your daughters? Your sisters? Your nieces? Consider if I were your daughter. What would you do? I ask you to consider this as you make your decision. Thank you.”

The room was silent, except for a cough and an excuse me from Travis’ lawyer.

“You rocked it hard, Kid, ” Tawny said.

I floated on a cloud of victory for the rest of the hearing. I even glanced at him a few times, but he didn’t meet my eyes again. Suck on that.

The board went out to deliberate, but they didn’t call it that. We were all excused and I went for the door as fast as I could. I wanted to see Hunter.

What met me wasn’t just Hunter. It was Hunter and Megan and Darah and Renee and Paul and Mase.

“What are you doing here? ” I said, stopping in my tracks.

“We’re here to support you, Missy. Why else would we be here? ” Hunter held his arms open, and I flung myself into them.

“I freaking love you, Hunter Aaron Zaccadelli.”

“I love you too, Taylor Elizabeth Caldwell.”

I breathed him in and never wanted to let him go.

I finally pulled away, but kept both of his hands in mine. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“You’re writing me a note so I can get out of lab, by the way, ” Renee said. “I’m missing castrating a rat for this.” She sounded upset.

“You’re welcome? ”

“Be nice, Ne, ” Paul said, his voice all full of mucus. He looked like shit and probably felt worse, but he was here.

“What? I was looking forward to that lab. But you’re more important, Tay, ” Renee said.

“Don’t mind her, ” Darah said.

“I don’t normally.”

“Some of your friends, Taylor? ” Mom said.

“Yeah, you met Hunter, and this is Darah and Renee and Paul and Hunter’s Cousin, Mase. And you already know Megan.” They’d met when I’d brought her home to hang out one weekend so I could get off campus and she could get away from the dudes in her apartment.

“Hey, Blaire, ” Megan said, giving her a hug. “Jake would have been here, but he had an exam he couldn’t get out of. He tried really hard.”

“That’s okay. It’s more than enough that you’re here, ” I said.

“Nice to see you again. It’s been a while, ” Mom said.

I wanted to tell Mom about Meg’s engagement, but I didn’t have the proper venue. Hunter put his arms around me from behind and his chin on my head.

“So are you done? ” Renee said.

“Yes. I got up and talked and I didn’t pass out. I just hope they believe me.”

“She was awesome, ” Tawny said.

“So were you, ” I said.

Hunter let go of me so I could give her a hug, which turned into me hugging everyone and then us all having a huge group hug that made us all laugh. I really wanted to cry instead.

They were all here for me and my family. I hadn’t even asked them, and they’d come running. Somehow, even though I was bitter and angry, these people had decided I was worthy of their love. Either they were willing to look past all that, or maybe I wasn’t as fucked up as I thought.

Or maybe it was a bit of both.

“So how long are they going to take to decide? ” Paul said.

“No idea. I guess we just wait and see, ” I said.

“Why don’t we go down the hall? There’s a waiting room if you all want to make yourselves comfortable, ” Mr. Woodward said, subtly telling us to get the hell out of the hallway.

We all went to the waiting room, and it was like the day had somehow turned into a party. I had to introduce Dad to everyone, and I even let him give me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“I’m so proud of you, ” he said.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You should come down and see me on your break. I’ve got a great little nook that would be great to read in. You could bring Hunter, if you wanted.” I looked up to tell him that I was busy, and that I’d consider it, but his face was so hopeful that I couldn’t.

“Sure, Dad. It’s a plan.”

“I love you, Kid.”

“Love you, too.” I hadn’t said those words to my father in at least five years. They felt right.

We spent the next two hours waiting and talking. We were all starving, but didn’t think it would be appropriate to bring in food. We did agree that afterward we were all going to that diner I’d been to with Hunter and pancakes were in order. No matter what happened.

In all honesty, when I really thought about it, I didn’t care if they let him out. He couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was a revelation that had taken so many years, but only a moment to come to. I’d made my secret and him into this big impossible thing I could never conquer.

But I’d conquered it. I was done being a victim. It was time for me to take charge and live my life instead of letting something that had happened to me lead it for me. So many people had told me the same thing, hundreds of times. It was something I had to learn for myself.

A clerk finally came and told us that they were ready.

When we walked back into the courtroom for the decision, I held my head high and kept a smile on my face. Outside that room was a whole wonderful world I couldn’t wait to be a part of again. And pancakes. I really wanted some pancakes.

I held Tawny’s hand as we waited for the board to announce its decision. One of the board members, a woman with sleek black hair and a stern set of glasses, got up and I held my breath.

Twenty-Nine

We beat Tawny to the hearing, but my mom was there. She grabbed me and pulled me into a hug before I could even say anything.

“Thank you for coming, Hunter. You don’t know how good it makes me feel to know that she has someone to support her when I can’t be there.”

“Thank you, Blaire.”

Mom checked her watch. “I swear, your sister would be late to her own funeral.” Two seconds later, Tawny came dashing in, hopping on one foot so she could adjust her heel that had slipped off.

“I’m here, I’m here. You all know I’m always late.”

“We do, ” Mom and I said.

There were other people milling around, and I saw Mr. Woodward. There was a man talking with him, and I clutched Hunter’s hand tighter.

“Mom? Did you invite him? ”

“Your father has every right to be here, Kid.”

Dad looked up and met my eyes. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. He looked older, wearier. I found my features in his face, and it was shocking how much I looked like him. I’d never noticed how much.

“That’s your dad? ” Hunter whispered in my ear.

“Yeah.”

“You have his nose.”

“I’m aware.”

Dad walked over slowly, as if he couldn’t believe I was here. He was all dressed up in a snappy suit. I hadn’t seen him in a suit in years and years.

“Hey, Kid.”

“Hey, Dad.” He was the first one in our family to start calling me that. Hunter tried to let go of my hand, but I wouldn’t let him.

“You look so grown up.”

“Yeah, that’s bound to happen.”

“How are you? I’ve tried calling, but —“ he shrugged.

“I’ve been busy with school and stuff.”

“Hey, Dad, ” Tawny said, coming and giving him a hug. They had a much closer relationship and talked on a regular basis.

“Hey, Tawn. You doing okay? ”

“I just want to get this over with.”

“You’re going to do great. Both of you.” He looked back at me, and I saw his eyes flick over Hunter. Damn, I was going to have to introduce them.

“Dad, this is Hunter. Hunter, Dad.”

They shook hands and exchanged the normal dad-meets-boyfriend stuff. It was about to get awkward when Mr. Woodward said they were going to seat us.

“More than the stars, ” Hunter said, giving me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be waiting. Give him hell.”

“I will.”

Our hands parted and I had to turn to walk away from him. I took one last look over my shoulder, holding up the necklace he’d given me to show him that he was coming with me, even if he couldn’t physically be there.

Walking into the courthouse was like stepping through the looking glass into another space and time. I felt twelve again, only that time I’d been holding my mother’s hand in one of mine and my father’s in the other.

Tawny walked behind me this time, Mom in front and Dad bringing up the rear.

The wooden benches were the same; the long, tall frosted windows were the same. The creak in the ancient floor was the same.

I saw Travis’ mother, brother and stepfather already seated on his side of the courtroom, along with a girl I didn’t recognize. His lawyer was there, but not Travis. Five people were seated in the jury box, so that must be the parole board.

There were other people there, and I assumed they were also part of the proceedings. A gentle hum of talking filled the room, but it might as well have been yelling. Tawny had to poke at me to get me to keep walking.

I sat down on the wooden bench that had probably supported thousands of butts in its lifetime. I tried to think, but my head was blank. Tawny sat next to me, and took my hand, digging her nail into my palm.

“Hey, ” she said.

“I’m here.”

“Good. He’s nothing. He can’t hurt you, or me. He’s never going to hurt anyone again, understand? You just have to tell them our story.”

“Okay.”

A side door opened and Travis came in. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Tawny. Or maybe it was me.

The man who walked into the courtroom wasn’t the same teenage boy who had nearly raped me and my sister.

This man was older, thinner, and had a hollow, unhealthy look to him. He looked much dirtier, too. Travis had always been well-manscaped back then.

The warden announced that the hearing was about to start, and I braced myself. I knew it was going to be a long time before we were allowed to speak. Part of me wished they had let us sit outside, brought us in to speak and then took us out again.

Travis turned his head and looked at me. I met his eyes and held them. Well, one thing hadn’t changed. There was still nothing behind them. Just emptiness. The same emptiness I’d seen that night that felt like yesterday and thousands of years ago at once.

With that, I checked out of the courtroom. There were interviews with Travis’ family, with them talking about how he was sorry for what he had done, and he had a plan for his life and so forth. The strange girl turned out to be his girlfriend, who cried and carried on about God knows what. His lawyer spoke, and the superintendent of the prison spoke, and it was all talking, talking, talking.

I heard none of it.

I was thinking about waking up in Hunter’s arms. I was thinking about making wedding plans with Megan. I was thinking about dancing the night away with Darah and Renee. I was thinking about shopping with Tawny.

I filled my head with beautiful things so the ugly things were pushed aside.

And then, it was time for us to speak. Tawny went first, and I tuned back in to listen.

“I don’t have much to say, so I’m going to keep this short, but not sweet. I don’t do sweet. I haven’t done sweet since this… animal, tried to have his way with me, and then when my baby sister saw us and tried to help me, he went after her. This person — I don’t call him a man, because no man would ever do that to a woman — tried to rape me and then my baby sister. My baby sister. Think about that. He tried to rape a child. He doesn’t deserve to get out early, no matter what he tells you. He’s a proven liar and hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. Travis, ” she said, turning to stare directly at him, “from this day forward, for the rest of my life, I will never think of you again. You don’t deserve space in my mind. I’m going to forget you, because you deserve to be forgotten. What was your name again? Thank you.” She sat back down, and I could feel her shaking. I grabbed her hand and she gave me a little hug.

“Your turn, Kid. Knock ‘em dead.”

I got to my feet and nearly stumbled trying to make my way around everyone’s feet to get to the podium. Or was it a lectern? Stop it, brain.

I unfolded my paper and cleared my throat. The words swum in front of me and suddenly I couldn’t read. I reached down and took hold of Hunter’s necklace. I stared at each person on the parole board. Three women, two men. I had to make them understand.

More than the stars.

“When I was twelve, I was nearly raped by that man, Travis Moore. He told me he would kill me if I ever told. Well, I’m still alive, and I’m telling you now. Travis Moore tried to rape me, and my sister. While rape may not seem as serious a crime as murder, in a way he is a murderer. He killed the happy girl I once was.” I paused and pulled out a photograph of me, taken when I was twelve. I had a huge grin on my face as my dad tickled me. Mom had snapped it only a few months before it had happened.

“Do you see this girl? She’s gone. Travis killed her. When that girl died, a new one was born. An angry, bitter person who was afraid of every single man she ever saw. Afraid that around every corner an attacker lurked. Afraid to give my heart to anyone for fear that they would hurt me. I have spent countless hours in therapy and broken probably thousands of dollars of china, furniture and a computer because of that thing there. But you know what? I’m not afraid of you anymore. You don’t haunt my dreams.” I was shaking, but I turned to face Travis, just like Tawny.

“I’ve found someone to love me, despite becoming that angry, bitter girl. He reminds me that I am the girl I once was, and together, he’s helping me heal what you broke on that night. Like Tawny, from this day forward, I will not think your name, I will not picture your face and I will erase you from my life. You no longer have any power over me. You no longer have any power over my ability to love. You know what? Love is so much more powerful than hate. I used to hate you, but it’s so much easier to love. And that’s something you will never understand.” His empty eyes stared into me, but I didn’t care. A strange sort of power had taken over me and I nearly smiled at him.

“I hope that by sharing my story, I can give you a window into what this person is really like. Would you let someone free who had done this to your daughters? Your sisters? Your nieces? Consider if I were your daughter. What would you do? I ask you to consider this as you make your decision. Thank you.”

The room was silent, except for a cough and an excuse me from Travis’ lawyer.

“You rocked it hard, Kid, ” Tawny said.

I floated on a cloud of victory for the rest of the hearing. I even glanced at him a few times, but he didn’t meet my eyes again. Suck on that.

The board went out to deliberate, but they didn’t call it that. We were all excused and I went for the door as fast as I could. I wanted to see Hunter.

What met me wasn’t just Hunter. It was Hunter and Megan and Darah and Renee and Paul and Mase.

“What are you doing here? ” I said, stopping in my tracks.

“We’re here to support you, Missy. Why else would we be here? ” Hunter held his arms open, and I flung myself into them.

“I freaking love you, Hunter Aaron Zaccadelli.”

“I love you too, Taylor Elizabeth Caldwell.”

I breathed him in and never wanted to let him go.

I finally pulled away, but kept both of his hands in mine. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“You’re writing me a note so I can get out of lab, by the way, ” Renee said. “I’m missing castrating a rat for this.” She sounded upset.

“You’re welcome? ”

“Be nice, Ne, ” Paul said, his voice all full of mucus. He looked like shit and probably felt worse, but he was here.

“What? I was looking forward to that lab. But you’re more important, Tay, ” Renee said.

“Don’t mind her, ” Darah said.

“I don’t normally.”

“Some of your friends, Taylor? ” Mom said.

“Yeah, you met Hunter, and this is Darah and Renee and Paul and Hunter’s Cousin, Mase. And you already know Megan.” They’d met when I’d brought her home to hang out one weekend so I could get off campus and she could get away from the dudes in her apartment.

“Hey, Blaire, ” Megan said, giving her a hug. “Jake would have been here, but he had an exam he couldn’t get out of. He tried really hard.”

“That’s okay. It’s more than enough that you’re here, ” I said.

“Nice to see you again. It’s been a while, ” Mom said.

I wanted to tell Mom about Meg’s engagement, but I didn’t have the proper venue. Hunter put his arms around me from behind and his chin on my head.

“So are you done? ” Renee said.

“Yes. I got up and talked and I didn’t pass out. I just hope they believe me.”

“She was awesome, ” Tawny said.

“So were you, ” I said.

Hunter let go of me so I could give her a hug, which turned into me hugging everyone and then us all having a huge group hug that made us all laugh. I really wanted to cry instead.

They were all here for me and my family. I hadn’t even asked them, and they’d come running. Somehow, even though I was bitter and angry, these people had decided I was worthy of their love. Either they were willing to look past all that, or maybe I wasn’t as fucked up as I thought.

Or maybe it was a bit of both.

“So how long are they going to take to decide? ” Paul said.

“No idea. I guess we just wait and see, ” I said.

“Why don’t we go down the hall? There’s a waiting room if you all want to make yourselves comfortable, ” Mr. Woodward said, subtly telling us to get the hell out of the hallway.

We all went to the waiting room, and it was like the day had somehow turned into a party. I had to introduce Dad to everyone, and I even let him give me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“I’m so proud of you, ” he said.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You should come down and see me on your break. I’ve got a great little nook that would be great to read in. You could bring Hunter, if you wanted.” I looked up to tell him that I was busy, and that I’d consider it, but his face was so hopeful that I couldn’t.

“Sure, Dad. It’s a plan.”

“I love you, Kid.”

“Love you, too.” I hadn’t said those words to my father in at least five years. They felt right.

We spent the next two hours waiting and talking. We were all starving, but didn’t think it would be appropriate to bring in food. We did agree that afterward we were all going to that diner I’d been to with Hunter and pancakes were in order. No matter what happened.

In all honesty, when I really thought about it, I didn’t care if they let him out. He couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was a revelation that had taken so many years, but only a moment to come to. I’d made my secret and him into this big impossible thing I could never conquer.

But I’d conquered it. I was done being a victim. It was time for me to take charge and live my life instead of letting something that had happened to me lead it for me. So many people had told me the same thing, hundreds of times. It was something I had to learn for myself.

A clerk finally came and told us that they were ready.

When we walked back into the courtroom for the decision, I held my head high and kept a smile on my face. Outside that room was a whole wonderful world I couldn’t wait to be a part of again. And pancakes. I really wanted some pancakes.

I held Tawny’s hand as we waited for the board to announce its decision. One of the board members, a woman with sleek black hair and a stern set of glasses, got up and I held my breath.

Thirty

“Parole is denied until your sentence expiration date.” The words rang loud in the big room. I let out an involuntary noise of joy, and I wasn’t the only one. I heard noises of despair from his family, and a wail from the girlfriend. I watched his shoulders slump just a little as his lawyer whispered in his ear. He nodded.

The board member handed a piece of paper to the warden and he passed it to his lawyer. There was more talk about appeals and so forth, but I didn’t care. He was going to be in jail for two more years. I took one last look at Travis as we filed out of the courtroom. He didn’t turn, and I knew that would be the last time I ever saw him.

My family cleared out as quickly as we could, thanking Mr. Woodward. He said he’d be in touch if there were any changes.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about, ” Mr. Woodward said as we walked back to the waiting room. “Both of you were the difference. He could say he’d found Jesus all he wanted, but it was you who showed who he really was.”

“What? ” I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Oh, did you tune out for that part? ” Tawny said. “He said he’d found the Lord and become a Christian. Sick bastard.”

“I don’t think God can help him, ” Mr. Woodward said.

“I should hope not, ” she said.

We shook Mr. Woodward’s hand and went to give the crew the good news.

“Parole denied, ” Tawny and I said at the same time to a round of cheers. Hunter swept me up in his arms and spun me around. It seemed like a strange thing to cheer, but we didn’t care. It was like UMaine had won a hockey game against the University of New Hampshire.

“I’m so glad that’s over, ” I said to Hunter.

“Me too. Now we can start our life.”

“We haven’t started yet? What have we been doing all this time? ”

“Just rolling in the hay.”

“Bales and bales of it.”

*****

Life was both the same and different after the hearing. It was the same because I spent every night with Hunter, and I went to class and hung out with the girls and did more blow paintings and read more vampire smut.

It was different because it was easier to laugh. Easier to smile. Easier to sleep.

Everything was easier.

I didn’t have to try to get into that safe bubble anymore. I was there all the time.

“Hey, you want to go somewhere with me? ” Hunter said on the Saturday morning after the hearing.

“Why not? As long as you’re not taking me to a place to hook up, I’m in.”

“You’re such a liar.”

“Takes one to know one, Mr. Secret. I know you’ve been up to something.”

“I know you know. Come on.”

He pulled me to my feet. We’d been cuddling on the couch and watching mindless reality TV. Everyone else was MIA, which was unusual for a Saturday morning.

I didn’t bother asking where we were going. I was getting used to surprises, or I was getting less curious about them.

Hunter drove away from campus and headed toward Bangor, toward downtown.

He turned onto a side street full of beautiful houses and pulled up in front of one that wasn’t as impressive as the others, but was cute. Yellow, with white trim and a little porch. It was adorable. There was another car in the driveway, a BMW that I recognized.

“Is that Joe’s car? ”

“I thought you should meet him.”

“Why are we meeting him here? ”

“You’ll see.” We got out of the car and walked up to the house. “We can go in. We’re expected.” He pushed the front door open, and I was bombarded with, “Surprise! ”

“What the hell? ” They were all here: Darah, Mase, Renee, Paul, Dev, Sean, Megan, and Jake. And someone else I didn’t recognize, but who had to be Joe.

“It’s not my birthday, ” I said. It wasn’t for another few weeks.

“Not yet, ” Hunter said. “Taylor, this is Joe. Joe, this is Taylor.”

Joe was a towering presence, with dark chocolate skin and a suit that was probably made by an Italian designer, and a stern face to match. He looked every bit a lawyer.

“It’s nice to meet you, Miss Caldwell.”

“He’s going to call you that, just so you know. Joe’s very formal that way, which is ironic considering he forces me to call him Joe, ” Hunter said. Joe cleared his throat as a response.

“Okay, so someone’s got to tell me what we’re doing here, ” I said.

Everyone looked at each other, and it hit me like three million lightbulbs all going on at once.

“I swear to God, Hunter if you bought me a house, I am going to kill you. Slowly and unpleasantly. We’re doing a torture segment in history 226, and I know several ways this can happen.”

“Missy, I didn’t buy you a house for that exact reason.”

Joe cleared his throat again.

“It’s a rent to own. Hunter made a down payment and the first month’s rent. I have the lease papers here for you to sign, as well as signature cards for a new joint checking account, ” Joe said, whipping out a stack of papers that he shoved in my face.

“Wait, what? ”

“We’re renting it. To own. Also, guess who else is renting it with us? ” Hunter said.

“I give up, ” I said, on the verge of freaking out.

“We are! ” Renee said, throwing some confetti on me. “All of us are moving in together! ”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, ” I said, looking around and waiting for someone to tell me they were just screwing with me.

“Nope. We worked it all out this week, ” Hunter said.

I opened my mouth to yell at him. To tell him that it was crazy. It would never work. Who did stuff like that? A mother. Fucking. House.

“I’ll let you pay every other month’s rent, ” Hunter said, as I tried to assemble my thoughts into coherent words. “All you have to do is sign.”

“How much money is in that joint account? ”

“Only two hundred dollars. So far. I’d put it all in there, but I knew you wouldn’t let me.”

“Hunter…”

“It’s not a handout. It’s building our foundation.”

I looked around at all the faces. God, I loved them. So much it hurt to think about.

“Can I at least see it before I sign? ”

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and Hunter took us on a tour, with Joe pointing out the best features like a real estate agent. Joe was exactly how I’d pictured. Calm, cool, all business. I made it my goal to get him to smile.

I fell in love with the house as soon as I saw the adorable kitchen, with a little breakfast nook. There was a big living room where we could fit a gigantic couch and which already had the infamous recliner in it.

“We thought about moving all your stuff without telling you, but we figured you’d get pissed. Getting the recliner here was bad enough, ” Mase said. Oh, they knew me so well.

On the second floor there were two large bedrooms, each with their own small bathroom, and then on the third floor there was a master room with bath attached.

“This is ours, ” Hunter said, waving his arm around. The room was big and open and filled with light. There was only one thing in the room. It was a picture of Hunter and I that Mom had snapped the previous weekend, in a peacock-painted frame. It was in black and white. His head was bent over my shoulder, and he was placing my fingers on the guitar strings and I was laughing at something he’d said.

I picked it up and looked at our happy faces.

“So what do you think? ” Hunter said, standing in the bathroom doorway and watching me, his hand tapping a steady rhythm on his leg. One, two, three, four, five. “By the way, Stephen King lives down the street. If that helps my cause any.”

My mouth dropped. “You’re shitting me.”

“Did you see the house with the cool iron fence? The huge reddish one? ”

“Yeah.”

“That’s his.”

I could live down the street from Stephen King. Holy crappity fuck.

“I also changed my major.”

“You did? ”

“Yep. We’re now liberal arts students together. I’m now a proud member of the College of Education. Music, to be exact.”

“You changed your major? ”

“I decided that it was finally time to do what I wanted to do. Not what I thought I should do.” My mind was already overflowing with everything that was happening all at once. I couldn’t comprehend it all.

“I thought we could frame our blow paintings and put them here, ” he said, gesturing to one of the walls. “And a big bed, right here.” He went around the rest of the room, and I imagined it. I imagined saying yes and moving in with Hunter next semester. I imagined it and I decided that I wanted it to be real.

“Okay.”

Hunter stopped talking about potential paint colors and stared at me.

“Okay? ”

“Okay. But whatever money you put in that joint account, I’m putting in as much. Fifty-fifty. You’re not going to be making much as a music teacher.”

“You’re right. Fifty-fifty, ” he agreed, coming and putting his arms around me.

“So, Mr. Zaccadelli.”

“Yes, Miss Caldwell? ”

“I guess I win the bet.”

“I guess you do, Missy. I said I would leave the dorm. I never said anything about you coming with me. So, the way I see it. I won.”

“Loving you was the best mistake I ever made, ” I said.

He shook his head.

“Getting assigned to be your roommate was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. I don’t think I’ll ever get so lucky again.”

“Wanna bet? ”

“No way.”