Chapter Twelve

ON THE SATURDAY after the weekend at the shore, Dana stood in the restaurant kitchen chopping soup vegetables on the butcher-block island. As usual, she'd shopped at the wholesale markets earlier that morning and she and Tracy had already decided on the dinner specials. Now, they had plenty of time to do some of the prep work before anyone else got there.

" Damn it all to hell and back again." Dana sucked on her left index finger after she cut it with her chef's knife. About twenty minutes ago, she'd nicked a small chunk of tissue off the tip of her left middle finger with the vegetable peeler. " I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm all thumbs today."

" It's not just today. You've been out of sorts all week since you came back from the shore." Tracy got a bandage from the first aid kit and brought it over, along with a paper towel. After Dana washed her hands and dried her finger, Tracy put the bandage on and went back to work at the counter. " You've done nothing but grumble and fumble and you've been cursing up a storm. Would you like to tell me what's going on? "

" No, I wouldn't, but since you won't leave me alone until I do, I might as well get on with it." Dana laid her knife down and faced Tracy. " I've been thinking about Sarah, okay? If you must know, she's been on my mind at lot."

" I should have known." Tracy stopped slicing carrots and stared at Dana as if she were trying very hard to keep from saying what was really on her mind.

Dana picked up her chef's knife again and proceeded to chop the living hell out of one of the peeled onions from the pile in front of her.

" Whoa! What did that poor innocent onion ever do to you? " Tracy came over and put her hand on top of Dana's knife wielding hand. " Stop before you cut your finger off and put that knife down while we talk this over. You have got to let go of that girl. I don't know what you were doing with her in the first place. We've been over and over this, haven't we? "

Dana laid the knife down. " We have, but I can't get her out of my system."

" Jesus, Dana. You seem to have forgotten how much she hurt you, " Tracy said, not even trying to hide her anger. " She lied to you and cheated on you."

" I haven't forgotten, but anyone can make a mistake. She was confused and I'm not sure she knew what she was doing at the time. Did you ever stop to think she might be sorry for what she did? She loved me once and it was real, I know it was." Dana dabbed at her watery eyes. " I'm not crying...it's the onions."

Tracy shook her head. " You're hopeless. If Sarah loved you so much, where is she? I don't see her around here anywhere. Honestly, you could do so much better."

" I know you think that, but I loved her."

Tracy released an exasperated breath and said, " Losing your first love is always tough, but how are you ever going to get over her if you don't go out with other women? Why waste your time pining over someone you know you can't have, someone who clearly doesn't want you? " Tracy closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger as if to soothe her frustration. " I don't know why I even bother, " she said when she opened her eyes again. " If I had half a fucking brain in my head, I'd give up trying to talk sense into that thick skull of yours."

" I know you're frustrated with me and angry, but I can't help it. I tell myself to let her go. I know what she did was horrible. I know all that and I still can't move on."

Tracy's face softened and she waited a short time as if contemplating what to say next. " I think I know why you're having trouble letting go of her. You never had any closure. The whole nasty mess came at you out of the blue and when it was over, you were left hanging."

" You really think so? That kind of makes sense."

Tracy nodded. " I think if the relationship had lasted longer, you would have left her on your own at some point. I'm sure you would have figured out what kind of person she was and that would have been the end of that. You were always too mature for her."

" Too bad I wasn't mature enough to avoid getting involved with her." Dana turned away out of shame. Tracy was right about the lack of closure but she questioned the part about her having been more mature than Sarah. Whenever she let herself think about her relationship with Sarah, she never thought of herself as mature. She saw herself as foolish and naï ve and she felt ashamed that she'd never suspected what Sarah was capable of. How could she not have seen it coming? She turned around again and addressed Tracy. " I'm glad you've figured this all out because I haven't. For a long time, I've avoided thinking about it or dealing with it by burying myself in my work and staying away from anyone except for you and my family."

" I'm aware of that. So, what started you thinking about this now? "

" I don't know, I..." Dana hesitated, unsure as to whether she wanted to tell Tracy about that night on the beach with Ridley. She'd gone over it in her mind a hundred times that week, but she'd kept it to herself thinking that if she did maybe it would be just go away. " No, that's not true. I do know what started this. It was the weekend at the shore with Ridley. We were walking on the beach the first evening I was there, just the two of us and..."

That got Tracy's undivided attention. She laid her knife down. " And what? "

" One thing led to another and we ended up kissing."

" So that's it. That's why you're all worked up." Tracy's face brightened and a faint smile began to elevate the corners of her mouth.

" I couldn't help it. She was sweet and nice and she was upset and..."

" Yeah, I get the picture." Tracy tightened her mouth as if to rein in her expanding smile. " So, how was it? Kissing her, I mean."

" I'm not going to lie. It was incredible."

" I can just imagine. And what else happened? What did she say? "

" She said she was attracted to me. She said I was beautiful."

" She's right about that and this is great news." Tracy's eyes lit up. " Damn, I knew that girl had good taste. How did you feel about what she said? "

" I'm not sure. No one has said that to me in a long time. I do know I wanted more, but it wouldn't have been fair to her. I don't think she's that kind of girl. She's very nice and kind and considerate and she's..."

" Very attractive, " Tracy filled in the blank. " She's very attractive, Dana."

" Yes, she is. Even I noticed that, Tracy." Dana went back to chopping onions. " I'm not sure what there could be between us. I don't know if I could love anyone again and I'm not sure I want to. Besides, we have mutual friends and I wouldn't want to ruin that."

" Well then, let's stop making soup, because we need to get busy digging that hole you're planning on crawling into for the rest of your life. When we're done you can jump right in and drop out of the human race. No more problems."

" Tracy..."

" Dana..., " Tracy echoed. " I can't figure you out. She's adorable and sexy and she obviously wants you. You're crazy to turn someone like her down. I sure as hell wouldn't." Tracy grabbed a stock pot from the overhead rack and set it on the counter. Then she went to the refrigerator and brought back two large containers of chicken stock they'd made earlier in the week. As she poured it into the pot, she glanced over her shoulder at Dana. " She's single, you're single and you're both consenting adults, so why not just go for it? "

" That's easy for you to say. What if she gets serious about me? "

" I think what scares you is that you might get serious about her."

For a moment, Dana had no reply. Leave it to Tracy to dig in that deep and extract her most carefully guarded truths. " It's better if Ridley and I are just friends. What if Sarah and I get back together in the future? What would I tell Ridley after I'd used her like that and what would she think of me? What would Karen and Laurie think of me? "

Tracy didn't attempt to answer Dana's questions. Instead, she lifted the pot of chicken stock and set it on one of the gas burners. After she set the burner on low, she went back to the counter and began peeling several large butternut squashes. " Okay, suit yourself. God knows you will anyway, no matter what I say. I still don't see why you can't get to know her better. Why don't you invite Laurie and Karen to brunch tomorrow and ask them to bring Ridley with them? That would be a nice safe way to see her again without any pressure."

" That's a good idea. Maybe I'll call Karen this afternoon."

" You do that. You won't get any answers to your questions by avoiding the situation. You have to take a chance and find the answers for yourself."

" Thanks, Tracy. You're the only person I know who'd dare to be so brutally honest with me and believe it or not, I do appreciate it."

" I'm not trying to be brutal. I just can't stand to see you waste your time clinging to the past. I think it's time you made a new life for yourself and you're going to need more in your life than me and this restaurant."

" I do have a new life and this restaurant keeps me plenty busy. What's wrong with that? Dana asked. " And I'll always need you in my life."

" And you'll always have me, but it's not enough and you know it." Tracy split one of the squashes in half lengthwise and began to chop it into uniform pieces.

Dana washed her hands and dried them on a kitchen towel. " These onions are ready. Why don't you finish making the soup? I have a few things I need to take care of in my office. I'll be back in about an hour. Maybe then I'll be able to get something done around here."

" Are you all right? "

" I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a while, " Dana said as she walked away.

" Dana? " Tracy called her name before she reached the door to her office.

Dana turned around. " What is it? "

" I want to say something to you before you go." Tracy lifted her knife in the air. " I would cut off my right hand with this knife before I'd ever try to hurt you in any way. You're my best friend and I'll always love you." Tracy put the knife down.

Dana walked over to Tracy and stood close to her. " Come here, silly." She hugged her friend and held her in her arms. " I'm grateful that I have you and I wouldn't want you to be anything but honest with me. I love you, too, and I'm all right. It's just that I have a lot to think about and I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment. I'm not running away." What Dana told Tracy was the truth. What she didn't tell her was also the truth and was that Ridley had stirred up a hornet's nest of emotions inside of her and she needed to sort them out if she could. If she couldn't, she needed to follow her heart and buzzing around in her heart was the knowledge that she liked Ridley a whole hell of a lot and wanted to see her again.

" Okay, if you're sure, " Tracy said.

" I'm sure. I really do have something I need to take care of in my office and I'll be back soon. Call me if you need me before then."

" I'll be right here. Take all the time you need."