Every upset is a rules upset

Think about the last time you were upset with someone. Was it really about them, or was it about something they did, or said, or failed to do that you thought they ought to? Were you angry at them, or were you angry because they violated one of your rules? At the base of every emotional upset you've ever had with another human being is a rules upset. Somebody did something, or failed to do something, that violated one of your beliefs about what they must or should do.

For example, some people's rule for respect is, " If you respect me, then you never raise your voice." If a person with whom you're in a relationship suddenly starts to yell, you're not going to feel respected if this is your rule. You're going to be angry because it has been violated. But your partner's rule may be, " If I'm respectful, then I'm truthful about all my feelings and all my emotions—good, bad, and indifferent—and I express them with all my intensity in the moment." Can you imagine the conflict these two people can have?

This was the scenario played out between Becky and me when we first began to develop our relationship. We had radically different rules about how to show respect for another person. Why? I grew up in an environment where you got a lot of pain if you weren't honest. If you walked out of the room in the middle of a conversation, you would never live it down. The number-one rule was that you hung in there and expressed your honest emotions, knowing you could be wrong, but you stayed there until everything was worked out.

Meanwhile, Becky grew up in a family where the rules were quite different but equally clear. She was taught, " If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all; if you have respect for someone, you never raise your voice to them; if someone else ever raises their voice, the only way to keep your self-respect is to get up and leave the room."

With this kind of conflict between our rules for respect, Becky and I drove each other crazy. We almost didn't get married because of this. Rules determine everything—where we go, what we wear, who we are, what's acceptable to us, what's unacceptable, who we have as friends, and whether we're happy or sad in virtually any situation.

Some people's rule for handling upset is, " If you care about me, then you leave me alone and let me deal with it my own way." Other people's rule is, " If somebody's upset, and you care about them, you immediately intervene to try to help." This creates a tremendous conflict. Both people are trying to accomplish the same thing, which is to respect and care about each other, but their rules dictate different behaviors, and their rules of interpretation will make their actions seem adversarial rather than supportive. So if you ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember, it's your rules that are upsetting you, not their behavior. This will help you to stop blaming them. You can get past your upset quickly by first stopping and asking yourself, " Am I reacting to this, or am I responding to the situation intelligently? " Then, communicate with that person right up front and say something like, " I'm sorry I responded the way I did. It's just that you and I have different rules about what we need to do in this situation.

My expectations are that if you respect me, you'll do_______ and _______. I know those aren't your rules. So please tell me what your rules are. How do you express respect, [love, caring, concern, etc.]? "

Once you're both clear on what the other person wants, then you can make a deal. Ask them, " Would you be willing to do _______ to make me feel respected? I'd be willing to do _______ for you." Any

relationship—business or personal— can be instantly transformed just by getting clear on the rules and making an agreement to play by them.

After all, how can you ever hope to win a game if you don't even know the rules?