Judge and jury

We all have different rules and standards that govern not only the way we feel about the things that happen in our lives, but how we'll behave and respond to a given situation. Ultimately what we do and who we become is dependent upon the direction that our values have taken us. But equally, or possibly even more importantly, what will determine our emotions and behaviors is our beliefs about what is good and what is bad, what we should do and what we must do. These precise standards and criteria are what I've labeled rules.

Rules are the trigger for any pain or pleasure you feel in your nervous system at any moment. It's as if we have a miniature court system set up within our brains. Our personal rules are the ultimate judge and jury. They determine whether or not a certain value is met, whether we'll feel good or bad, whether we'll give ourselves pain or pleasure. If I were to ask you, for example, " Do you have a great body?, " how would you respond? It would depend on whether you think you meet a certain set of criteria that you believe constitutes having a great body.

Here's another question: " Are you a great lover? " Your answer will be based upon your rules of what's required to be a great lover, the standards to which you hold yourself. If you told me, " Yes, I'm a great lover, " I'd discover your rules by asking the key question, " How do you know you're a great lover? What has to happen in order for you to feel you're a great lover? "

You might say something like, " I know I'm a great lover because when I make love with a person, they usually say that it feels great." Others might say, " I know I'm a great lover because my lover tells me so."

Or " I know I'm a great lover because of the responses I get from my partner." Others might say, " I know I'm a great lover because I feel good when I'm making love." (Doesn't their partner's response matter at all? Hmmm.) Or your answer might just be, " Ask around! " On the other hand, some people don't feel that they're great lovers.

Is this because they aren't great lovers? Or is it because their rules are inappropriate? This is an important question to answer. In many cases, people won't feel that they're a great lover because their partner doesn't tell them that they're a great lover. Their partner may respond passionately, but because they don't meet the specific rule of this individual, the person is certain they're not a great lover.

This predicament of not feeling the emotions we deserve is not limited to relationships or lovemaking. Most of us have rules that are just as inappropriate for defining success, making a difference, security, intelligence, or anything else. Everything in our lives, from work to play, is presided over by this judge-and-jury system.

The point here is simple: our rules are controlling our responses every moment we're alive. And, of course, as you've already guessed, they have been set up in a totally arbitrary fashion. Like so many other elements of the Master System that directs our lives, our rules have resulted from a dizzying collage of influences to which we've been exposed. The same punishment and reward system that shapes our values shapes our rules. In fact, as we develop new values, we also develop beliefs about what it will take to have those values met, so rules are added continuously. And, with the addition of more rules, we often tend to distort, generalize, and delete our past rules. We develop rules in conflict.

For some people, rules are formed out of their desire to rebel against rules they grew up with.

Are the rules that guide your life today still appropriate for who you've become? Or have you clung to rules that helped you in the past, but hurt you in the present? Have you clung to any inappropriate rules from your childhood?

" Any fool can make a rule—And every fool will mind it."

HENRY DAVID THOREAU

Rules are a shortcut for our brains. They help us to have a sense of certainty about the consequences of our actions; thus, they enable us to make lightning-quick decisions as to what things mean and what we should do about them. When someone smiles at you, if you had to engage in a long, tedious[145]

set of calculations in order to figure out what that means, your life would be frustrating. But instead you have a rule that says if a person smiles at you, then it means they're happy, or they're friendly, or maybe they like you. If someone frowns at you, then it triggers another set of rules for what things mean and what you should do about it. For some people, if someone frowns at them, then their rule is that the person is in a bad state and should be avoided. Other people, however, might have a rule that says, " If someone's in a bad state, then I need to change their state."