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" That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника)"

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank - озадаченный, смущенный). He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить).

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась / to break - здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, " What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами)"

" You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу)"

" Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно»)"

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) " Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника)"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, " Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? "
" Outstanding, " Fred replied. " They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visulization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
" That's great! What was the name of the clinic? "
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, " What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? "
" You mean a rose? "
" Yes, that's it! "

He turned to his wife… " Rose, what was the name of that clinic? "

It made a huge difference for me.

That's great!

Yes, that's it!

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says (маленький мальчик на свадьбе смотрит на свою маму и говорит), " Mommy, why does the girl wear white? (мама, почему на девушке белое; to wear - носить)"

His mom replies, " The bride (невеста) is in white because she's happy (потому что она счастлива) and this is the happiest day of her life (и это самый счастливый день в ее жизни)."

The boy thinks about this (размышляет над этим), and then (затем) says, " Well then (ну, а тогда), why is the boy wearing black? (почему на молодом человеке черное)"

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, " Mommy, why does the girl wear white? "
His mom replies, " The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, " Well then, why is the boy wearing black? "

This is the happiest day of my life.

The newly wed wife (молодая жена: newly - недавно, только что; to wed - отдавать замуж; вступать в брак) said to her husband (сказала своему мужу) when he returned from work (когда он вернулся с работы), " I have great news for you (у меня для тебя потрясающая новость). Pretty soon (совсем скоро), we're going to be three in this house instead of two (нас будет трое в этом доме вместо двоих)."

Her husband ran to her (подбежал к ней /to run-ran-run/) with a smile on his face (с улыбкой на лице) and delight in his eyes (и восторгом в глазах).

He was glowing of happiness (он светился от счастья) and kissing his wife when she said (и целовал жену, когда она сказала), " I'm glad that you feel this way (я рада, что ты так это воспринял) since tomorrow morning (так как завтра утром) my mother moves in with us (моя мать переезжает к нам)."

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, " I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, " I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

I have great news for you.

I'm glad that you feel this way.

A police officer in a small town (офицер полиции в маленьком городке) stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street (остановил автомобилиста, который слишком быстро ехал по главной улице).

" But, officer, " the man began (начал /to begin-began-begun/), " I can explain… (я могу объяснить)"

" Just be quiet (" тихо"), " snapped the officer (оборвал; to snap - щелкать, защелкиваться, хлопать; резко обрывать /кого-то/, обрывать /разговор/). " I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail (я собираюсь дать тебе " остудить твои пятки" в тюрьме, в камере) until the chief gets back (пока не вернется начальник)."

" But, officer, I just wanted to say… (но, офицер, я как раз хотел сказать)"

" And I said to keep quiet! (а я сказал, помолчи) You're going to jail! (ты отправляешься в тюрьму)"

A few hours later the officer looked in (несколько часов спустя офицер заглянул) on his prisoner (к своему заключенному; prison - тюрьма) and said, " Lucky for you (" удачно для тебя") that the chief's at his daughter's wedding (что начальник на свадьбе своей дочери). He'll be in a good mood when he gets back (он будет в хорошем настроении, когда вернется)."

" Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это), " answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере). " I'm the groom (я жених)."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
" But, officer, " the man began, " I can explain…"
" Just be quiet, " snapped the officer. " I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
" But, officer, I just wanted to say…"
" And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail! "
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, " Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
" Don't count on it, " answered the fellow in the cell. " I'm the groom."

Keep (be) quiet!

I just wanted to say…

Don't count on it.

There is an envelope (конверт; envelope [`∂ nvı l∂ up]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind - ветер + shield - щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на " музыкальный концерт"). The note reads (записка гласит), " I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за " взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину), but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot - горячий; wire - проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь). Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [ı nk∂ n`vı nı ens]). Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса), the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн)."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась), the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно). They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен). Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house (" из всего дома"), from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака). And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая), " Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина). I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку)"

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, " I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, " Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? "

I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.

A dietician (диетолог; dietician [dı ∂ `tı ∫ n]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды обращался к многочисленной аудитории в Чикаго). " The material we put into our stomachs (веществ, которые мы пихаем в наши желудки; stomach [`stLm∂ k]) is enough to have killed most of us sitting here (достаточно, чтобы уже убить большинство из нас, сидящих здесь), years ago (годы назад). Red meat is awful (мясо с кровью ужасно). Vegetables can be disastrous (овощи могут быть губительными; disastrous [dı `za: str∂ s]; disaster - бедствие), and none of us realizes (и никто из нас не отдает себе отчета) the germs in our drinking water (о бактериях в нашей питьевой воде). But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it (но есть одна вещь, самая опасная из всех и мы все это едим). Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? (может кто-нибудь здесь сказать мне, о каком смертоносном продукте я говорю) You, sir, in the first row (вы, сэр, в первом ряду) please give us your idea (пожалуйста, " дайте" нам вашу идею = как вы полагаете)."

The man lowered his head and said (человек опустил голову и сказал), " Wedding cake (свадебный пирог)."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. " The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, " Wedding cake."

It can be disastrous.

Please give us your idea.

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды), when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке).

When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle - поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться), the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко), " I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне)"

" Of course (конечно), " the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel-felt-felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы).

The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear-wore-wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: " имел тяжелое время" читать и водить машину). He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight (не мог бы ангел сделать что-нибудь с его плохим: «жалким» зрением).

The angel smiled (улыбнулся), removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро). When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду), the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека " прояснились", и он смог видеть все отчетливо).

When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему), the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь) - " Don't touch me! (не трогай меня)" he cried (воскликнул), " I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [dı za`bı lı tı ] - нетрудоспособность)."

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, " I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me? "
" Of course, " the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively - " Don't touch me! " he cried, " I'm on a disability pension."

Could you help me?

Don't touch me!

Two men went bear hunting (два человека пошли на медвежью охоту). While one stayed in the cabin (пока один остался в хижине), the other went out looking for a bear (другой вышел в поисках: " ища" медведя). He soon found a huge bear (вскоре он нашел большого медведя), shot at it (выстрелил в него /to shoot-shot-shot/) but only wounded it (но только ранил его).

The enraged (взбешенный; rage - бешенство, ярость) bear charged toward him (пошел на него; to charge - атаковать), he dropped his rifle (бросил ружье; rifle [raı fl]) and started running (и побежал) for the cabin as fast as he could (так быстро, как мог). He ran pretty fast (очень быстро) but the bear was just a little faster (но медведь был все-таки немного быстрее) and gained on him with every step (нагонял его с каждым шагом). Just as he reached the open cabin door (как раз когда он добежал: «достиг» до открытой двери хижины), he tripped and fell flat (споткнулся и упал плашмя /to fall-fell-fallen/).

Too close behind to stop (/будучи/ слишком близко " сзади", чтобы остановиться), the bear tripped over him (споткнулся о него) and went rolling (ввалился) into the cabin.

The man jumped up (подпрыгнул), closed (закрыл) the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside (прокричал " своему другу внутри"),

" You skin this one (ты снимай шкуру с этого) while I go and get another! (пока я пойду и возьму, добуду другого)"

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
" You skin this one while I go and get another! "

A father and son went fishing one day (отец и сын пошли на рыбалку в один день). While they were out in the boat (пока они были в лодке), the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him (вдруг стал любопытным по отношению к миру вокруг него). He asked his father (он спросил своего отца), " How does this boat float? (как эта лодка держится на воде)"

The father replied, " Don't rightly know, son (точно не знаю, сынок; rightly - правильно, верно, точно)."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked (немного позже мальчик посмотрел на своего отца и спросил), " How do fish breath underwater? (как рыба дышит под водой)"

Once again (еще раз, снова) the father replied, " Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, " Why is the sky blue? (почему небо голубое)"

Again, the father replied, " Don't rightly know, son." Finally (наконец), the boy asked his father, " Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? (папа, ты не против " моего задавания" тебе всех этих вопросов)"

The father replied, " Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin' (конечно нет, /если/ не задаешь вопросов, никогда ничего и не узнаешь)."

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, " How does this boat float? "
The father replied, " Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, " How do fish breath underwater? "
Once again the father replied, " Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, " Why is the sky blue? "
Again, the father replied, " Don't rightly know, son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, " Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "
The father replied, " Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Don't rightly know.

Do you mind my asking you all of these questions?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven (все на Земле умирают и отправляются на небеса). God comes and says (Бог приходит и говорит), " I want the men to make two lines (я хочу, чтобы мужчины составили два ряда, построились в два ряда). One line for the men that dominated their women on earth (доминировали, главенствовали над своими женами на Земле) and the other line for the men that were whipped (были покорены: «высечены») by their women. Also (также), I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done (сказано - сделано), the next time, God looks (в следующий раз Бог смотрит) the women are gone (" ушедшие") and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long (длиной 100 миль), on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man (был только один человек).

God got mad (разгневался /to get-got-got/: «стал рассерженным»; mad - сумасшедший, безумный; рассерженный) and said, " You men should be ashamed of yourselves (вы, мужчины, должны стыдится самих себя). I created you in my image (я создал вас по своему образу), and you were all whipped by your mates (вашими супругами). Look at the only one of my sons (посмотрите на всего лишь одного из моих сыновей) that stood up and made me proud (который был на высоте, выстоял и " сделал меня гордым" /to stand-stood-stood/; to stand up - вставать; оказываться прочным), learn from him! (учитесь у него) Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? (скажи им, сын мой, как ты ухитрился быть единственным в этом ряду)"

The man said, " I don't know (я не знаю). My wife told me to stand here (моя жена сказала мне встать здесь /to tell-told-told/)."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says " I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, " You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? "
The man said, " I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Learn from him!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast (во время спортивной рыбалки у побережья Флориды), a tourist capsized his boat (турист опрокинул лодку). He could swim (он умел плавать /can-could/), but his fear of alligators (но его боязнь крокодилов) kept him clinging to the overturned craft (заставляла его держаться за перевернутую посудину; craft - судно).

Spotting an old beachcomber (заметив старого бродягу: beach - пляж + to comb - чесать; beachcomber - житель тихоокеанских островов, зарабатывающий на жизнь добыванием жемчуга и подобными вещами) standing on the shore (стоящего на берегу), the tourist shouted (закричал), " Are there any gators around here?! (здесь есть крокодилы)"

" Naw (не-е), " the man hollered back (откликнулся; to holler - орать), " they ain't been around for years! (их нет здесь уже годы; ain’t = have not, are not, is not)"

Feeling safe (почувствовав себя в безопасности), the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore (начал плыть расслабленно по направлению к берегу).

About halfway there (на полпути туда) he asked the guy, " How'd you get rid of the gators? (как вы избавились от крокодилов)"

" We didn't do nothin' (мы ничего не делали), " the beachcomber said.

" The sharks got 'em (акулы их съели)."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, " Are there any gators around here?! "
" Naw, " the man hollered back, " they ain't been around for years! "
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, " How'd you get rid of the gators? "
" We didn't do nothin', " the beachcomber said.
" The sharks got 'em."

How'd you get rid of the gators?

An avid duck hunter (заядлый: «страстный, жадный» охотник на уток) was in the market for a new bird dog (пришел был в магазин за новой собакой для охоты /на птицу/). His search ended (его поиск окончился; to search - искать, просматривать) when he found a dog (когда он нашел собаку /to find-found-found/) that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck (которая могла фактически идти по воде для того, чтобы достать утку; to retrieve - извлекать, вынимать; доставать и приносить охотнику дичь).

Shocked by his find (потрясенный своей находкой), he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him (он был уверен, что никто из его друзей никогда не поверит ему).

He decided to try (он решил попробовать) to break the news (поделиться новостью) to a friend of his (со своим другом), the eternal pessimist (вечным пессимистом) who refused to be impressed with anything (который отказывался " быть впечатленным", поражаться чему-либо). This, surely, would impress him (это, конечно, его впечатлит). He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog (он пригласил его поохотиться с ним и с его новой собакой).

As they waited by the shore (когда они ждали на берегу), a flock of ducks flew by (стая уток пролетела мимо /to fly-flew-flown/). They fired, and a duck fell (они выстрелили, и утка упала /to fall-fell-fallen/). The dog responded (среагировала; to respond - отвечать, реагировать) and jumped into the water (прыгнула в воду). The dog, however (однако), did not sink (не погрузилась /to sink-sank-sunk/) but instead (вместо этого) walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet (не намочив ничего, кроме лап). This continued all day long (это продолжалось весь день); each time (каждый раз) a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface (по поверхности) of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully (наблюдал внимательно), saw everything (видел все), but did not say a single word (но не сказал ни единого слова).

On the drive home (по пути /в машине/ домой) the hunter asked his friend, " Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? (ты заметил что-нибудь необычное в моем новом псе)"

" I sure did (конечно, да), " responded the pessimist. " He can't swim (он не умеет плавать)."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, " Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? "
" I sure did, " responded the pessimist. " He can't swim."

Did you notice anything unusual about it?

Tom was so excited (был так взволнован) about his promotion (по поводу своего продвижения по службе) to Vice President (до вице-президента) of the company he worked for (компании, в которой он работал) and kept bragging (продолжал хвастаться) about it (этим: «об этом») to his wife (своей жене) for weeks (недели напролет).

Finally (наконец) she couldn't take it any longer (она не могла терпеть, выносить это дольше), and told him (и сказала ему /to tell-told-told/), " Listen (послушай), it means nothing (это ничего не значит), they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! («у них» есть даже главный (вице-президент) по гороху в продуктовом магазине)."

" Really? (правда)" he said (сказал он /to say-said-said/). Not sure if this was true or not (неуверенный в том, правда это или нет), Tom decided to call (решил позвонить) the grocery store.

A clerk answers (секретарь отвечает) and Tom says, " Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? (пожалуйста, могу я поговорить с вице-президентом по гороху)"

The clerk replies (отвечает), " Canned or frozen? (консервированному или замороженному; to freeze - замораживать)"

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, " Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! "
" Really? " he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, " Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? "
The clerk replies, " Canned or frozen? "

Listen, it means nothing.

Really?

Can I please talk to the Vice President?

Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем).

One said to the other (один сказал другому), " Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"

" I don't know (я не знаю), " responded the other (ответил другой). " I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."

So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). " Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade? "

" Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/), " the boss said.

" What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"

The boss said, " Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе). I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь)."