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Chapter nine. Jill drove carefully, wishing for a glass window between the front and backseat, anything to separate her from the squeals and shrieks of three gossiping






Jill drove carefully, wishing for a glass window between the front and backseat, anything to separate her from the squeals and shrieks of three gossiping teenage girls. But at least there was a smile on her daughter's face. Jill wasn't sure if it was because they were in Craig's new truck and not her old car or that Jill had treated them to burgers after the basketball games. Of course Craig would kill her if they got ketchup stains on the carpet, which would be a miracle if they did not, seeing how the girls were engrossed in stealing fries from one another. " Oh, Mom, put that up louder. That's a cool song." Jill cringed as she adjusted the volume, being subjected to yet another cool rap song. How the girls could tell one tune from the other, she had no clue. They all sounded alike to her. Then she smiled, wondering if her own mother had thought the same thing way back then, when Prince came on the radio and Jill and her friends all sang along.

Glancing at her watch, she tried to calculate when Craig would get home on the team's bus. For the use of his new truck, Jill had agreed to pick him up at school so he wouldn't have to drive her car. She suspected he was as embarrassed by the old Subaru as Angie was. A ride from school and steaks on the grill for dinner. That was the agreement. Steaks on the grill for the two of them. Angie was staying overnight at her friend's house.

Steaks and wine. Quiet. Romantic. Just the two of them.

Jill flicked her eyes to the rearview mirror, meeting her own for a brief moment before turning her attention back to the road. For some reason, the thought of having sex with Craig sent her into a panic. She had no idea what was wrong with her but she feared she would run from his touch.

Without warning, thoughts of Carrie crept into her mind. They'd been threatening all day but she shoved them aside, not understanding why she thought of the woman as much as she did. And not understanding why there was a terrible void on the weekends when she didn't see her. She saw her eyes again in the mirror, confused by her feelings, confused by her attraction to Carrie. Perhaps it was just her lack of a close female friendship that drew her to Carrie. Perhaps something was missing in her life and Carrie filled that need, whatever it was.

Again, she pushed thoughts of Carrie aside, concentrating on her driving instead.

" It's almost too cold to cook outside, " Jill commented as she stood by dutifully while Craig got the grill going.

" One of these years, I'm going to build an outdoor fireplace, " he said.

Jill laughed. " You say that every winter. I don't know why you won't just buy one."

He shrugged. " Why buy one when I can build one? "

Jill nodded, knowing as well as he did that he would never build one. " You want some more wine? " she asked.

" No. I'm not really crazy about this red wine. Not sweet enough for me."

" I love it."

" You must. You have a glass nearly every night."

Jill bristled. " Does that bother you? "

" No, babe. Hell, I know I'm hardly ever here at dinnertime. If you want to have a glass of wine, that's no problem."

" You're right. You're not here much. I've gotten fairly good at entertaining myself."

" I know. I'm sorry. It's just that time of year. Say, do we have any beer left in the fridge? I think I'll have that instead of this wine."

Jill silently watched him hurry into the house then turned, her eyes scanning the backyard, the trees still bare. She longed for spring, for warmer weather, for green. And she longed for companionship, for friendship, for conversation. She realized she and Craig no longer knew how to spend time together, no longer knew how to have a normal conversation. Yes, it was that time of year but every day was that time of year for him. Even in the summer, he could always find something, some game, to keep him away from home. As if anything would be better than Jill's company.

But that couldn't be true. It wasn't like they had a bad marriage. It wasn't like they argued and bickered. In fact, they seldom had a disagreement. No, she knew the truth for what it was. Her husband lived his life as he had in college. Everything revolved around sports. She knew it back then. But she'd assumed he would grow out of it.

She turned back to the house, seeing him through the windows as he talked on his cell phone, his hands moving animatedly, as if describing a shot. And no doubt he was. They'd won the tournament.

She was chilled from the night air but she had no desire to go back inside. So she filled her wineglass again then lifted the lid on the grill and robotically brushed the rack before putting on the two steaks. She turned the flame down low then moved to the porch swing, letting the motion relax her. She knew Craig had forgotten all about their steaks, had forgotten about her. He was in his element, talking to one of his buddies about the game. And later, when he remembered, he would rush out, apologizing for being on the phone so long. And she would tell him it was okay, she understood.

So she sat in the cold, quietly sipping her wine. She let visions of Carrie come to her without trying to stop them this time. They warmed her. She smiled slightly, remembering their parting conversation on Friday.

" Think of me Saturday night. I'll be suffering through a surprise birthday party."

" And think of me. I will have just suffered through two hours in the car with three teenagers! "

Carrie's eyes softened. " I always think about you."

Jill didn't know what to say. " I... I think about you too."

It was the truth. She just had no idea Carrie gave her a thought when they weren't together. She pushed off with her foot again, setting the swing in motion, wondering how the surprise party was going, wondering if Carrie was thinking of her.

And wondering if Carrie missed her today.

 

 






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