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Change your values, and you change your life






 

After my experience with the infamous[128] Mr. Smith, I went to Fiji to get away from it all. I needed to balance myself emotionally, and gain some perspective and clarity on the situation. Most importantly, I had to decide what I was going to do and how I was going to turn things around. The first night I was there, before I went to sleep, I asked myself a very important question. Instead of " Why did all this happen to me? ", I began to ask a better question: " What is the source of all human behavior? What

makes people do what they do? "

When I woke up the following morning at 8 a.m., I felt a frenzy[129] of ideas pouring[130] through me. I grabbed my journal and began to write continuously, sitting in the main cabana. People walked in and out throughout the day as I wrote nonstop from 8 a.m. to 6: 30 p.m. My arm was sore[131]; my fingers were numb[132]. I wasn't just thinking calmly and writing; the ideas were literally exploding through me. From this unstoppable river of ideas, I designed Destiny Technologies™ and a good portion of the science of Neuro-Associative Conditioning.™ When I went back to review my notes, however, I couldn't read a word! But the ideas and feelings were anchored within me. I immediately realized the potency of what I had created: a program that could help a person redesign the life priorities of their nervous system, to literally redirect the process of how people make all their decisions about how to think, how to feel, and what to do in virtually every area of their lives!

I began to think about what would happen it, instead of just teaching people what their values were and clarifying them, I actually got people to consciously select or redirect the order and content of their values hierarchy system. What if I took someone whose number-one value was security, and whose number-fifteen value was adventure, and I switched the order, not only intellectually but so that adventure became the new highest priority in their nervous system? What kind of change do you

think that might make in someone's life? A minor one, or a major one?

The answer is obvious. By doing this, you literally change the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves in virtually every area of their life. I couldn't imagine a more profound shift that a human being could make. In essence, this would be the kind of change that has been described throughout history: a conversion from Saul to Paul, if you will, with the things that a person hated most becoming the things they loved most, and vice versa.

Could this really be done? I decided that the best person to test this out on was, of course, myself. I began to look at my values list. At first I thought, " My values are great! I love my values. After all, this is who I am." But I had to keep reminding myself that we are not our values. We are much more than our values. These values were not the result of intelligent choices and a master plan. What I had merely accomplished until now was discovering what priorities were conditioned into my life, and I had consciously chosen to live within the system of pain and pleasure that had been programmed into me. But if I were to really design my own life, if I were going to create a set of values that would shape the

ultimate destiny 1 desired, what would they need to be?

 

" We have made thee neither of heaven nor of earth,

Neither mortal nor immortal,

So that with freedom of choice and with honor,

As though the maker and molder of thyself,

Thou mayest fashion thyself in whatever shape thou shalt prefer.

Thou shalt have the power out of thy soul's judgment,

To be reborn into the higher forms, which are divine."

GOD'S SPEECH TO ADAM FROM PICO DELLA MIRANDOLA'S ORATION ON THE DIGNITY OF MAN

 

I felt unbelievably inspired as I began to realize that in this moment I was about to make decisions that would change the direction of my life forever. I began to look at my values and ask the question, " What do my values need to be in order to create my ultimate destiny, in order to be the best person I could possibly be, in order to have the largest impact in my lifetime? "

I thought, " The values I have right now are helping me, " but then I thought, " What other values would I need to add? " I began to realize that one of the things that wasn't on my list was intelligence. Certainly I was an intelligent person, but I hadn't made being intelligent as high a priority as being passionate. In fact, in my passion I'd made some pretty stupid choices—including who my CEO was going to be!

I began to realize that unless I made intelligence a conscious priority of my nervous system (i.e., unless I learned to take a moment or two in advance to consciously evaluate the consequences of my decision making), I would continuously fail to achieve my deepest desires. There was now no question that intelligence needed to be placed high on my list. I then discovered an additional series of values to add, and I decided where they needed to be placed in my hierarchy.

Then I asked a question I had never asked before: " What values should I eliminate from my list in order to achieve my ultimate destiny? " I began to realize that by constantly focusing on how to be free, I was missing out on the freedom I already had. I realized that there was no way I could be any more free than I was in this moment. Maybe my feelings would be different if I lived in a country where the choices I have here don't exist, but for me, there is no way to have any more freedom than I have today. So I decided to drop it from my list and not to make it an issue anymore. It was amazing die freedom I felt by getting freedom off my list!

Next, I began to evaluate each value individually as to its true merit. I began to ask, " What benefit do I get by having this value in this position on my hierarchy? " I looked first at passion and asked, " What

benefit do I get by having passion here? " I thought, " It gives me drive and excitement and energy and the power to impact people in positive ways. It makes my life juicy."

Then I asked a question that kind of scared me, a question I had never asked before: " What could having passion at the top of my list cost me? " In that moment, the answer became obvious. I had just recently returned from conducting a seminar in Denver, where for the first time in years I had felt unbelievably ill. Health was always on my values list; it was important. But it wasn't very high up on the list.

By the way, it you have anything on your values list, you think it's important, because there are hundreds of things that could have been on the list that aren't. But my idea of health was to eat right. I wasn't exercising, and I certainly wasn't getting enough rest. Finally, my body was giving out under my constant demands for unlimited energy. I began to remember that in that day, when I felt like I had no health, I pushed myself and did the seminars in spite of it all. But I didn't feel passionate,

I didn't feel loving, I didn't feel like 1 could have impact. I began to realize that by having passion as the highest value on my list, it would cause me to burn out and therefore potentially cost me the very destiny I was pursuing.

I finally asked the last question: " In what order do my values need to be to achieve my ultimate destiny? " Not " What's important to me? " but " What do they need to be? " As I began to do this process, my list began to evolve until it looked like this:

 

MY NEW LIST OF MOVING-TOWARD VALUES

Health/Vitality

Love/Warmth

Intelligence

Cheerfulness

Honesty

Passion

Gratefulness

Fun/Happiness

Making a difference

Learning/Growing

Achieving

Being the best

Investing

Contribution

Creativity

 

These shifts may look subtle to you, but they were profound in their emotional impact upon me. Just creating this new list of life priorities created some intense fear and struggle at times. Probably the most difficult one was changing the order that I had between achievement and happiness. If you recall, on my previous list I had to feel passion, love, freedom, contribution, being able, growth, and achievement, and a lower priority was feeling happy. I began to think, " What would happen if I made happiness a priority? What would happen if I made that a higher priority than achieving? "

Quite honestly, this was another question that created fear in me. I thought, " If it's easy for me to feel happy, maybe I'll lose my drive. Maybe I won't want to achieve. Maybe I won't want to have the same impact. Maybe I won't contribute as much to people." After all, I linked my identity to my capacity to passionately make a difference. It took me almost two hours to make the decision to " go for the gusto" and decide to make myself happy. How ridiculous! But I can tell you, having worked with tens of thousands of people in Date With Destiny, of whom the majority of attendees would be considered achievers, this is one of the biggest fears they have. They generally fear that they'll lose their power or drive if they feel happy first. I'm here to tell you that what happened in my life is that instead of achieving to be happy, I began to happily achieve, and the difference in the quality of my life is so profound that it is beyond verbal description. I didn't lose my drive—quite conversely, I felt so good, I

wanted to do even more!

When my list was complete, I felt an emotion that I could not ever remember feeling previously: a sense of calm. I felt a sense of certainty I hadn't experienced before, because I now knew that every part of me was going to be pulled in the direction of my dreams. I was no longer in a tug-of-war with myself. By no longer striving constantly for freedom, I could have even more intimacy and love—I could feel even more free. I would happily achieve now. I would be healthy and vital and intelligent.

With the decision to change my life's priorities, I could immediately feel the changes in my physical body.

I also then began to realize that there were certain emotional states that I must avoid indulging in if I was going to succeed. One of those clearly was worry. I found myself emotionally and physically racked[133] by the pain of trying to figure out how I was going to keep my company going and keep the doors open. At the time, I believed that if I worried, maybe I'd be more motivated, but what I found was that worry made me less resourceful. So I decided I couldn't worry anymore. I could have legitimate concern, but more importantly, I could focus on taking the actions that would make things work. Once I decided worry would destroy my destiny, I began to avoid experiencing it at all costs. Clearly, this became an emotion too painful to indulge in. I began to construct a moving-away-from list.

I then flew back to the United States, having designed my own destiny. Boy, were my friends and associates in for a surprise! On my first day back at the office, people started approaching me to ask, " What's happened to you? You seem so different! You look so relaxed." I began to unload my entire new technology for hours at a time on each individual until finally I realized I needed to take it, refine it, and put it in a seminar. That's how Date With Destiny was born. I wrote this book out of my desire to spread the Destiny-NAC technology to as many people as possible. I hope you'll use it now. Remember, we truly can design who we become.

 

" Give me beauty in the inward soul; may the outward and the inward man be at one."

SOCRATES

 

So how can you now take control of this third element of your Master System known as values? Take the following two simple steps:

Step 1. Find out what your current values are, and rank them in order of importance. This will give you insight into what you want to experience most—your moving-toward values—and what you want to avoid most in your life—your moving-away-from values. It will give you an understanding of why you do what you do. It will also offer you the opportunity, if you'd like, to consistently experience more pleasure in your life by understanding the pain-pleasure system that's already built within you.

Step 2. If you're willing to take the bull by the horns, you have an opportunity to redirect your destiny. Ask yourself a new question: " What do my values need to be in order to achieve the destiny I desire and deserve? " Brainstorm out a list. Put them in order. See which values you might get rid of and which values you might add in order to create the quality of life you truly want.

You may be wondering, " What the heck is my destiny, anyway? " If you're stumbling over this, go back to Chapter 12. In it, I asked you what type of person you'd have to be in order to achieve all that you want. In order to be that person, what would your values need to be? What values

would you need to add or eliminate?

For example, how would your capacity to deal with fear, frustration, and rejection be affected by deciding to place courage high upon your moving-toward value list? Or, what might be the impact of giving playfulness a higher priority? Might it enable you to have more fun in life, possibly enjoy all experiences as they come, grow closer to your children and be more to them than just a " provider"?

So what have you accomplished by creating your new list of values? Isn't it just a bunch of words on a piece of paper? The answer is yes—if you don't condition yourself to use them as your new compass. If you do, however, they become the solid foundation of every decision you will make. It is difficult to give you in this book the full range of conditioning tools that I use in seminars, but let me remind you of the power of leverage. Many people who have attended Date With Destiny post their values prominently at work, at home, anywhere they will be seen by people who will hold them to this new, higher standard.

So use the same kind of leverage to strengthen your commitment to your new values. The next time you find yourself yelling at the kids, maybe someone who loves you will walk by and remind you, " Isn't

compassion number one on your list? "

 

" I touch the future; I teach."

ANONYMOUS

 

Watching people take control of their value hierarchies in Date With Destiny is so rewarding because of the huge contrast between what they're like Friday morning and who they become by Sunday night. As transformations occur, magic happens. I remember one man who was dragged by his wife to the program and didn't want to be there. As we started talking about values and the possibility of making changes in that area, he insisted, " I don't need to change any of my values." His number-one value, by the way, was freedom! He balked[134] at being " forced" to change anything in his life that he didn't want to; it became a control issue as he steadfastly refused to make any changes.

Finally I said to him, " I know you don't have to make any changes. I also know that you're free. So I'm sure you're free to add a few values. What would be some values that might be useful for you to add in order for you to increase the quality of your life and maybe even impact your ultimate destiny? " After several moments of thought he said, " Well, maybe flexibility might be a good one to add." The audience cracked up. " That's great, " I said. " Where would you put flexibility on your list? " We started from the bottom and moved up, and it ended up being number four on his list.

The moment this man decided that was indeed the right place for his new value, another participant—a chiropractor—who was sitting behind him suddenly piped up, " Did you see that? " It was so obvious that several other people in the room had also noticed it. This man's physiology had literally begun to change before our eyes. As he had adopted flexibility in his value system, his whole posture seemed to loosen up and become more relaxed. He sat in his chair differently, and seemed to be breathing with a lot more freedom. Even his expression changed as the muscles in his face released their tension. With flexibility as a new priority, his nervous system had obviously gotten the message.

Then I asked, " Are there any other values you might want to add to your list? " The man thought a moment and said, " Maybe... forgiveness? " with a question in his voice. Again the group broke up laughing. This was a man who had started out bristling[135] with hostility and tension, and here he was, making a 180-degree shift. As he figured out where to put forgiveness into his values hierarchy, it was gratifying to see the further changes that took place in his demeanor, breathing, facial muscles, and gestures. Throughout the rest of the weekend people were amazed by the dramatic changes that had been wrought with two simple additions to his values. He talked to people with more softness in his

voice, his face seemed to " open up" with more expression, and he really seemed to connect with people in ways he hadn't before. Now, three years later, freedom is not even on his list, and the intimacy between his wife and him has expanded immeasurably.

 

" We are what we repeatedly do."

ARISTOTLE

 

Life has a way of testing our commitment to our values. My test came as I was boarding an airplane... and lo and behold, there stood the illustrious[136] Mr. Smith. I felt the anger and animosity well up inside me with an intensity I hadn't experienced for over two years, primarily because I hadn't seen him. He scurried[137] onto the plane and seated himself in the rear. As I sat in my seat, knowing he was behind me, questions raced through my head: What should I do? Should I confront him? Should I just walk up next to him, stand there and stare at him, and make him squirm[138]? I'm not proud of these questions, but since honesty is one of my highest values, I'm giving it to you straight.

In a moment, though, my actions were guided by my values. Why? I opened my notebook to write something down, and there were my values hierarchies, placed at the front of my book. At the top it said, " What's most important to me in life is to be loving and warm." Hmmmm. " Be intelligent." Hmmmm. " Be cheerful. Be honest. Be passionate. Be grateful. Have fun. Make a difference..." Well, as you can imagine, my state changed pretty radically. Obviously my pattern had been broken. A reminder of who I really am and what I'm really about was staring me in the face. What to do became obvious.

When the plane landed, I approached him with sincerity and warmth and told him that while by no means did I appreciate or approve of his past behavior, I had decided to no longer hold a ferocious level of resentment toward him, and that I actually wished him well. The last memory I have was his stunned face as I turned and walked away. Wow! What an emotional hit! Even in a stressful environment, I'd lived by what I believed was right. Nothing in life can match the fulfillment of knowing you've done what you truly believe is the right thing.

Give yourself the gift of taking hold of this force that shapes your destiny. Make certain that you take the time to do the exercises that can clarify the priorities of your life.

Is it possible to have values and not feel that you're living them? You can have a great system of values that gives your life a magnificent direction but still feel unhappy, unless you understand the power of...

 


 

RULES: IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY, HERE'S WHY!

 

 

" Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you."

HENRY WARD BEECHER

 

 

As I write these words, I'm looking out over the deep blue Pacific from my room at the Hyatt Regency Waikoloa resort on the Big Island of Hawaii. I've just observed something that won't happen in North America again until the year 2017: a total eclipse of the sun. Becky and I got up this morning at 5: 30 a.m. so that we, along with thousands of other visitors, could witness this rare astronomical event.

As crowds of people gathered at the viewing site, I began to entertain myself by watching the diversity of people who had come to share this occasion: everyone from top businessmen to vacationing families, from scientists lugging dozens of telescopes to hikers who'd pitched their tents in the lava pits overnight, and little children who knew this was an exciting event only because their parents had told them so. Here were hordes of people who had flown in from all over the world, at a cost of thousands of dollars, just for the chance to see something that would take about four minutes! What were we doing here? We wanted to stand in a shadow! We're an interesting species, aren't we?

By 6: 28 a.m., the drama had begun to unfold. There was anxiety in the air, not just the anticipation of seeing the eclipse, but the fear of disappointment. For on this unique morning, the clouds had begun to gather, and the sky was becoming overcast. It was interesting to see how people were dealing with the possibility that their expectations would not be met. What they had come to see was not merely a brief flitting[139] of the moon over the sun, but a four-minute total eclipse—when the shadow of

the moon would completely block the sun's rays and envelop us in darkness. They even had a name for it: totality!

By 7: 10 a.m., the clouds had increased and were getting larger by the minute. Suddenly, the sun broke through a hole in the clouds, and for a moment we could all see a partial eclipse. The crowd greeted it with excited applause, but soon the clouds rolled back in, thicker and thicker, completely obscuring our view. Nearing the moment of totality—utter darkness—it became obvious that we wouldn't be able to watch the moon overtake the sun.

Suddenly, thousands of people began to run over to a big-screen television set that one of the many TV crews had erected. There we sat, watching the eclipse on national television, just like everyone else in the world! In those moments I had a chance to observe an unlimited range of human emotion. Each person responded according to their rules: their beliefs about what had to happen in order for them to feel good about this experience.

One man behind me started cursing, saying, " I spent $4, 000 and traveled all this way, just so I could watch this for four minutes on television? " A woman only a few feet away kept saying, " I can't believe we missed it! " while her bright little daughter enthusiastically reminded her, " But, Mom, it's happening right now! " Another woman sitting just to my right said, " Isn't this incredible? I feel so lucky to be here! "

Then a dramatic thing happened. As we observed on TV the last sliver of sunlight disappear behind the moon, in that instant we were engulfed in darkness. It was completely unlike nightfall, when the sky darkens gradually. This was immediate and total darkness! Initially there was a roar through the crowd, but then a hush[140] fell upon us. The birds flew into the trees and became silent. It was a truly amazing moment. Then something hysterical happened. As people sat in the dark, staring at the eclipse on the television screen, some of those who had brought their cameras and were determined to get their outcome began taking pictures of the screen. In a moment, we were flooded with light again—not because of the sun—but because of all the flash bulbs!

Almost as soon as it had begun, though, totality was over. The most dramatic moment of the whole event for me was the instant that a thin sliver of the sun slipped out from behind the moon, instantly bringing full daylight with it. It occurred to me then that it doesn't take very much light to wipe out the darkness.

Within moments of the return of sunlight, a large number of people got up and began to leave. I was puzzled. After all, the eclipse was still happening. Most of them were muttering[141] complaints about how they'd " come all this way and missed out on the experience of a lifetime." A few enraptured[142] souls, however, lingered[143] to watch every minute, feeling great excitement and joy. The most ironic thing of all was that within fifteen to twenty minutes, the trade winds had cleared all the clouds from the sky.

It was now blue and clear, and the eclipse was revealed[144] for everyone to see. But few people had remained; most had already returned to their rooms disgruntled. They continued to give themselves the sensations of pain because their expectations had not been met.

As I usually do, I started interviewing people. I wanted to find out what their experience of the eclipse had been. Many people talked about how it was the most incredible, spiritual experience of their lives. One pregnant woman rubbed her swollen tummy and shared with me that the eclipse somehow had created a feeling of stronger connection with her unborn child, and that this was just the right place on earth for her to be. What a contrast of beliefs and rules I noticed today!

What struck me as most humorous, though, was that people would get so excited and emotional about something like this, which was merely a four-minute shadow. If you really think about it, it's no more of a miracle than the sun coming up each morning! Can you imagine if every morning people from all over the world got up early so they could watch the sun come up? What it national and international news ardently covered every phase of the event with in-depth reports, passionately tracking the sun's rise into the sky, and everybody spent their mornings talking about what a miracle it is? Can you imagine the kind of days we'd have? What if CNN opened every broadcast with, " Good morning. Once again, the miracle has happened—the sun has risen! "? Why don't we respond this way? Could we? You bet we could. But the problem is that we've become habituated. We're so accustomed to the miracles happening around us every day that we don't even see them as miracles anymore.

For most of us, our rules for what's valuable dictate that we covet things that are scarce, instead of appreciating the miracles that abound. What determined the differences in these people's responses, from one man who got so upset he destroyed his camera on the spot, to those who not only experienced joy today, but would experience it every time they told others about the eclipse in the coming weeks, months, and years?

Our experience of this reality had nothing to do with reality, but was interpreted through the controlling force of our beliefs: specifically, the rules we had about what had to happen in order for us to feel good. I call these specific beliefs that determine when we get pain and when we get pleasure rules. Failure to understand their power can destroy any possibility for lifelong happiness, and a full understanding and utilization of them can transform your life as much as anything we've covered in this entire book.

Let met ask you a question before we go any further. What has to happen in order for you to feel good? Do you have to have someone hug you, kiss you, make love to you, tell you how much they respect and appreciate you? Must you make a million dollars? Do you have to hit below-par golf? Do you have to be acknowledged by your boss? Do you have to achieve all of your goals? Do you have to drive the right car, go to the right parties, be known by the right people? Do you have to be spiritually evolved or wait until you achieve total enlightenment? Do you have to run five miles a day? What really has to happen in order for you to feel good?

The truth is that nothing has to happen in order for you to feel good. You don't need an eclipse to feel good. You could feel good right now for absolutely no reason whatsoever! Think about it. If you make a million dollars, the million dollars doesn't give you any pleasure. It's your rule that says, " When I hit this mark, then I'll give myself permission to feel good." In that moment, when you decide to feel good, you send a message to your brain to change your responses in the muscles of your face, chest, and body, to change your breathing, and to change the biochemistry within your nervous system that causes you to feel the sensations you call pleasure.

Who do you think had the worst time the day of the eclipse? Those with the most intense rules about what had to happen before they could feel good! There's no doubt that the scientists, and the tourists who saw themselves as scientists, probably had the most pain. Many of them had huge agendas they were trying to complete in those four minutes before they could feel good about it.

Don't misunderstand; there's nothing wrong with being committed to accomplishing and doing everything you can. But years ago, I made a distinction that changed the quality of my life forever: as long as we structure our lives in a way where our happiness is dependent upon something we cannot control, then we will experience pain. Since I wasn't willing to live with the fear that pain could shake me anymore, and I considered myself to be intelligent, I redesigned my rules so that when I feel pain and when I feel pleasure is whenever I feel it's appropriate based on my capacity to direct my own mind, body, and emotions. Specifically, Becky and I enjoyed the eclipse immensely. We were in Hawaii for other reasons anyway (to conduct my three-week Certification program), so coming here a few days early to watch the eclipse was a bonus for us.

But the real reason we enjoyed ourselves was not that we had low expectations; we were looking forward to it. The key to our happiness could be found in one key rule we shared: we decided that our rule for the day was that we were going to enjoy this event no matter what happened. It wasn't that we didn't have expectations; it was that we decided that no matter what happened, we'd find a way to enjoy it.

Now, if you adopted and consistently applied this rule to your own life, can you see how that would change virtually everything you experience? When I tell people about this rule, some of them respond, " Yeah, but you're just lowering your standards." Nothing could be further from the truth! To adopt this rule is to raise your standards. It means you'll hold yourself to a higher standard of enjoying yourself despite the conditions of the moment. It means you've committed to being intelligent enough, flexible enough, and creative enough to direct your focus and evaluations in a way that allows you to experience the true richness of life—maybe that's the ultimate rule.

In the last chapter, you began to design for yourself a hierarchy of values to refine and define the direction of your life. You need to understand that whether or not you feel like you're achieving your values is totally dependent upon your rules—your beliefs about what has to happen for you to feel successful or happy or experiencing love.

You can decide to make happiness a priority, but if your rule for happiness is that everything must go just as you planned, I guarantee you're not going to experience this value on a consistent basis. Life is a variable event, so our rules must be organized in ways that allow us to adapt, grow, and enjoy. It's critical for us to understand these unconscious beliefs that control when we give ourselves pain and when we give ourselves pleasure.

 

 






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